Do Codependent Relationships Exist in the Church?
Codependents are people that come to the rescue time and time again. This could look like saving a drug-addicted child from his toxic choices or entering into a caretaking relationship despite the cost. Maybe it sounds good in writing, but codependency creates unhealthy relationship patterns.
The term “codependency” has been around for decades and traditionally refers to the adjustment that a family member would make in their life to accommodate the addict’s dependency on substances.
Codependents are magnetically drawn to people who are constantly in crisis. They find purpose in pouring themselves out through extreme self-sacrifice, neglecting their well being to serve others.
Codependent Relationships in the Church
Codependents will go to great lengths to be the hero. When codependents place other people’s welfare before their own, they can lose touch with their own needs and identity.
Getting lost in service to another sounds like what an obedient Christ follower should do, but even Jesus gave us a different example. If Jesus recognized and implemented boundaries in his ministry, what makes today’s Christians think they should operate differently?
He went around healing the sick, giving sight to the blind and preaching about the Kingdom. The needs that would need to be met were unending, yet he gave us a perfect example. Luke 5:15-16 tells us, “Yet the news about him spread all the more so that crowds of people came to hear him and to be healed of their sicknesses.
But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.” Even in his days of serving the needs of a community, he didn’t lose sight of the need to spend time in prayer and solitude.
Relying on the Holy Spirit instead of the Flesh
A codependent is addicted to control as much as an addict is addicted to a substance. Codependents interfere with the growth of addicts by not allowing them to face consequences. The codependent person’s emotional state is influenced by how well the other person listens to their advice.
The Bible provides a principle that can’t be avoided, “A man reaps what he sows.” It’s hard for a man to reap what he sows when another person is constantly rescuing him from negative outcomes.
A good way to gauge if you are helping people in a constructive way is to ask the question, “Am I trying to be their bread (strength) or just trying to show them where to get some?” A good follow-up question might be, “Now that I have shown them, are they taking steps to feed themselves or are they depending on me?”
Every Christian is responsible for working out their own salvation. We may want people to follow our advice, heed our instructions and avoid painful situations, but growth is hindered when a person relies on someone else for all the answers and not on God. What happens when that man is removed?
If that person wasn’t clinging to God, his world will crumble. Christians must learn to seek God’s direction in prayer and search Scripture for answers. This creates a mature, strong Christian that doesn’t rely on being fed by man to be alive in Christ.
In church, it’s easy for young followers to become enamored with more mature followers. To prevent any type of codependent relationship from forming, lend a listening ear and instead of giving answers you can ask questions like, “How does this passage of Scripture speak to you?”
The goal of a healthy spiritual relationship in the church is to encourage, empower and equip each other to constantly grow in Christ. Codependent relationships can rob people from experiences that they need to go through to learn how to depend on God.
Motives of the Codependent
We live in a fallen world. One result of living in a fallen world is growing up in broken homes. All families have some form of dysfunction, meaning not all our love needs are being met when we are adolescents.
Individuals who are more prone to codependent relationships are often looking for a reliable way to gain a sense of value that was lacking during childhood.
Often, the church environment creates the perfect place to prove your worth. The more you serve, the more visibility and recognition that’s given. Codependents thrive when they know they are needed and praised for always being present.
Only the codependent truly knows if they are doing good deeds out of the overflow of God’s love in their heart or secretly wanting to secure a feeling of worthiness from those around them. Performance-based love can become completely ingrained in a codependent person to the point that when she experiences “unearned” love it feels almost foreign and uncomfortable.
Interdependency is the answer
Codependent relationships run counter to true abiding in God’s unconditional love. It is an effort to control what others think or feel about us through rigorous engagement in socially acceptable “church” behaviors. Creating a church culture of interdependency begins by taking our focus off ourselves and placing our focus on Jesus.
Jesus often asked his followers and crowds questions. He pushed them to use their minds to think for themselves. The people left empowered instead of Jesus dictating their next move. When we try to make other people like “God” in our life it has devastating effects.
Being helpful is natural. Serving is the hallmark of a Christ follower. Even Jesus came not to be served, but to serve. He humbled himself to the point of death on a cross. But a Christian must constantly point back to God, not to herself. People must put their hope in Jesus.
The one person who never fails forgets or breaks His promises. Putting our hope in anything or anyone else will only end in disappointment and dismay. Interdependency in the church means we help each other daily to deepen our dependence on God and strengthen the church body as a result.
“Seesaw Crossing”, Courtesy of Rachaelvorrhees, Flickr.com;
CC BY 2.0 License; “Help,” courtesy of Cristian Newman, unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Face-off”, Courtesy of Silvia and Frank, Pixabay.com; CC0 License; “Lean on me,” courtesy of Rosie Ann, peels.com, CC0 License
There are many factors that can contribute to a sexless marriage. Sexual trauma could cause a pause in sexual activity, family stress or sheer exhaustion are all contributing factors to a drop in desire. If one partner isn’t interested in sex, that doesn’t necessarily point to infidelity.
This might make one of the partners uncomfortable and want to retreat back toward their comfort zone. Exploring different options to spice things up can fan the flame until it’s blazing again.
Myth 3: Married couples are less likely to have sex
These momentary thoughts might push you away from your friend in the short term, but does that mean you’ve lost all capacity to ever like him? No, you only need to figure out what underlying irritations might be keeping those desires from making an appearance again.
When you made eye contact and they smiled at you, your heart felt like clay in their hands. Everything they said and every time they laughed, you were captivated.
Even if both of you are mature believers, you will find it difficult at times to show the patience, sacrificial love, and other Christian graces that enable a marriage to thrive. You can’t sustain your marriage without His help.
You’ve probably this cliche before, and it has an element of truth. Romantic love tends to blind us to our partner’s faults.
Some engaged couples can’t even consider the possibility that they might face conflict one day. Of course, they inevitably do, and then they wonder if they made a mistake in who they married. But no matter who we are, we will have disagreements now and then, and this is normal. The important part is how we handle conflicts when they arise.
Or perhaps your teen is dealing with something more difficult. Instead of clear dreams, their future has become cloudier and full of doubt; instead of new friends at school, they have “enemies” in class; instead of broken toys, it is now a broken heart.
Furthermore, life now is less private than before. The allure of social media has people willingly sharing their beliefs, emotions, thoughts, and even actions for the world to see. And sometimes, even if we do NOT want such to be shared, camera phones and the social media of accounts of others may still subject our lives to public scrutiny.
Knowing where they are, who they are with, or their current emotional state online is still NOT the same as speaking to them directly about how they are inside. In fact, sometimes what is relayed to us through these devices might not exactly be what they are feeling because they know the world is watching them.
When problems arise, teens often turn to their friends first as they believe their friends understand them more than their family. As parents, we may want this to change but if we just recall our own past experiences, we will realize that it is just part of the process of growing up and letting go.
When speaking of someone that struggles with addiction, it is important to use ‘person first’ language when defining this individual. Rather than referring to these individuals as “addicts” or “alcoholics”, defining them as those “struggling with addiction”, or “struggling with alcoholism” is more appropriate in highlighting the behavior associated with the struggles that they face.
There are some CDP’s that recognize this lapse in care and will refer their clients to other agencies that are able to focus attention on these root issues. This can help the client to be more involved in their recovery.
The fact that most drugs possess a withdrawal component once use is ceased also gives credence to the idea that biological components play a part in the use of drugs. From a Biblical perspective, it would appear that Christ commands us to “not be drunk with wine,” because that would be a wasteful (and thus sinful) use of our bodies which are to be “filled with the Spirit” instead. But the theory of chemical “hooks” seems to be obsolete.
Clients want to have a life that is worth remaining sober for. Regardless of the desire or need for change, if an individual’s surroundings do not provide meaning or fulfillment, it will remain difficult for them to want to stop using drugs. This applies to drug use, as well as to other forms of addiction.
The Bible recognizes the importance of marriage. In the Bible, it is the first human relationship described. In the New Testament, Jesus, our Lord and Savior, affirmed marriage as one man and one woman becoming one flesh. Christ’s married followers were encouraged to love their spouses as they love themselves and to submit to one another out of reverence to him.
Life together under one roof is very different to just seeing one another a few days a week. It is during marriage that the “real” self is fully revealed as the good and bad sides are seen daily.
Friends and even relatives can have very similar likes and dislikes. But such similarities do not always pertain to how they view the Eternal. Married couples must be spiritually compatible lest they become drawn apart by conflicting spiritual views.
Society today likes to designate milestones for people so sometimes people rush into things to avoid being labeled as “behind” or “unsuccessful”. Emotional maturity, however, is not the same for everybody. It cannot be rushed.
This inability to feel complete as themselves requires codependents to find completeness elsewhere. Whitfield describes it as an “addiction” since people are looking outside themselves to find fulfillment and happiness, similar to other addictions like alcohol, drug, or sexual addiction.
Codependents usually feel afraid and wounded which leads to frequent anger. They tend to live with people of the same sentiments creating a vicious cycle. Codependents frequently cry, become depressed, overreact, easily get sick, and are prone to unhealthy temper outbursts. They try to punish people for making them feel angry.
Codependents often pretend that everything is manageable, that the situation is not as terrible as others may believe. Such people often depend upon prescriptive tranquilizers or other such drugs to help them. They may also enmesh themselves in work to stay busy; spend compulsively for a temporary happy feeling; or overeat to make themselves feel satisfied. They may wonder why they feel crazy at times.
Codependents do not respect themselves. They believe they are not worthy or that they are not good enough. They usually blame themselves and believe that the good things in life are meant for other people. Though they also long for praise, when they do receive it they reject it, believing that they do not deserve it.
New relationships are full of strong feelings when they first begin. The Greeks referred to this kind of love as “Eros.” Physical attraction in addition to personal qualities creates the fantasy of romantic love. Fantasy is a specific word used here to emphasize the fact that in the early days of a relationship it is doubtful whether you really know someone.
John Gottman, a well-known couples counselor, explains how marriages fall apart via a description of what he refers to as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
Unselfishly honoring and committing to one person lays the foundation for a successful marriage. Many today believe that one must live together in a sexual relationship with someone before deciding if enough compatibility exists to get married. True intimacy begins with a committed marriage relationship, rather than self-interest.
While her husband considers her dutiful with regard to sex and doesn’t request much in the way of deep emotional bonding, balance will continue to exist in the relationship. Over time, however, dysfunctions in the relationship will begin to surface as the wife struggles with finding happiness with an emotionally distant husband.
It can really be frustrating to be at home hoping for a quiet evening, yet the kids are constantly misbehaving, quarreling with each other, or answering back at you in an inappropriate way. As a parent, you may be wondering why the children cannot follow simple commands or why they intentionally seem to be ignoring your rules.
If this can be done, then the children will feel safe when sharing their feelings and experiences. If not, the kids may hold back from telling the entire truth, preventing change from occurring.
But though their feelings have been acknowledged, it is important that they know they cannot cross a certain boundary. The parents are not telling their child it is not okay to be angry or upset. Instead, they are saying that despite the negative feelings, they are not allowed to behave in the wrong manner.
While choices are part of the method, setting limits is more than just that. At an early age, if the child knows that there are choices available, the child will begin to differentiate between acting on impulse and opting for proper behavior. This allows them to control their actions in the future.
“Approximately 1% of adolescent girls in the United States develop anorexia nervosa and 2-5% of adolescent girls develop bulimia. Anorexia is the third most common chronic illness among adolescents in the United States. The prevalence of eating disorders in males is much smaller than females but an estimated 19-30% of anorexia cases diagnosed in older adolescents are male.”
A very important activity to help overcome eating disorders is to spend time in prayer and Bible reading. Prayer allows us to communicate and connect with God. When this is done, a person feels less alone and less helpless, knowing that God the Almighty is there. It is only God who truly sees how beautiful and special we all are so it is His love that we should all seek.