If you have recently learned that your spouse has cheated on you, you may feel like you are barely hanging on. However, you can experience affair recovery with help from Christian marriage counseling. Here are our seven best tips for surviving infidelity after the affair.
7 Tips for Surviving Infidelity
1. Commit Everything to Prayer
If there is ever a time to draw close to God in prayer, it is during affair recovery. The Bible promises that God is close to those who are brokenhearted and crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18). As you carry all your hurts and fears to him, he will comfort and sustain you.
God understands what it is like to feel betrayed by those he loves. The people of Israel strayed from him many times, breaking his heart each time. Only God can fully identify with your pain. He will guide you into the next steps to take and hold you close during your suffering.
Commit to meeting him in prayer every day. Take every matter of your mind and heart to him, and he will heal you. You can trust God to help you through this crisis and you will feel closer to him as you pray.
2. Let Your Feelings Flow
An affair causes a wide range of feelings to erupt. At first, you may feel shocked by the news and rightfully offended. You may move between anger, shame, depression, and worry. One moment, you may blame your spouse for everything. The next moment, you might blame yourself and feel deep shame.
To deal with this rollercoaster of emotions, it’s essential not to bottle them up. You could explode with rage and bitterness or destroy yourself with hopelessness. Let your feelings flow without judgment.
You may find journaling helpful. Simply record your feelings as they occur, not editing them as you write. By letting your feelings flow, you can release them so that healing can enter in. No one needs to see this journal; it is for your eyes only. Let God guide you as you write.
3. Take One Day at A Time
When you experience a marital affair, you may be overwhelmed by choices that need to be made. Should your spouse move out right away? Or should you wait until a calmer moment to discuss things? What do you do about finances?
How much should you tell your children, if anything? Do you tell your extended family members what happened? Do you need to begin divorce proceedings? These are important questions to consider, and you may feel pressured to answer them as soon as possible.
Your spouse’s decision to have an affair creates a world of choices for you. But you don’t have to make decisions about all of those things at once. In fact, it’s better not to make life-altering decisions when you are in the middle of a crisis.
Take one day at a time, making decisions only when you feel peace about them. You need time to pray, consult with trusted friends, and receive counseling. Don’t rush to make decisions that you may regret later. God will lead you on what to do next, and that takes time.
4. Practice Self-Care
Surviving infidelity requires a lot of energy. Don’t take on more than you can handle as you heal from the affair. It’s probably not the best time to start something new. Instead, find activities that bring you pleasure, and do them just for enjoyment.
You may enjoy a bubble bath, bike ride, walk in the park, or time to read. Whatever brings you joy should be a priority on your schedule. Your self-care activity will serve as an oasis in the hard times.
It’s also important to get adequate rest, eat right, stay hydrated and exercise during your trial. If you neglect your health, your mind and emotions will suffer even more. Make your health a priority and you will feel better both inside and out.
5. Give Yourself Time to Grieve
Whether you and your spouse reunite or not, your marriage will never be the same after the affair. You need to grieve the dreams you had that did not come true. Grieving is hard work that cannot be rushed, and you must make time for it.
It’s important to go through all the steps of the grieving process so you can fully heal. You will move back and forth between the grief stages of denial, anger, bargaining, and sadness before you reach acceptance. This could take months or even years to complete. Realize that as you allow yourself time to grieve, you open avenues for hope and healing.
6. Talk with a Trusted Friend
Talking with a friend after an affair can serve as a pressure release. However, don’t talk to just anyone during this difficult time. You need a trustworthy friend who will keep your secrets and not hurt you by spreading them around. It’s also essential to choose a friend who will comfort and encourage you instead of condemning or criticizing you. If you can find a friend who is also willing to speak the truth in love to you, you have found a treasure.
If you don’t have a friend that fits these descriptions, be sure to speak with a Christian counselor. By talking about your feelings, you can gain clarity and relief. Your counselor can offer a valuable and objective perspective on your problems. Talk therapy, whether with a trusted friend or counselor, can be a life raft during your affair recovery.
7. Consider Your Options
Sooner or later, you will need to take a hard look at your options. These all depend on your unique situation, and only God knows the best answers. Cover them in prayer, consult with trusted friends, and make choices only when you have had time to carefully think them through.
If you choose to divorce, know that the Bible is clear on this issue. An affair is a biblically-permitted reason to divorce (see Matthew 5:32, 19:19). This may be the best option for you after an affair.
However, it’s wise to consult with your pastor or priest, as well as a marriage counselor, before speaking with a divorce attorney. You don’t want to proceed with such a definite decision without solid counsel. If divorce is your choice, you can benefit greatly from divorce support groups.
However, divorce is not required after an affair. Many couples have healed and reunited after affairs. If you choose to reunite, there is much work to be done on both sides. You will need to set boundaries, rebuild trust, establish healthy communication, and set up accountability factors.
Most people are not equipped to take these steps on their own. To heal your marriage, consult with a Christian counselor. We can walk you through the steps that are necessary for restoration and prevention of another affair.
Christian Marriage Counseling for Surviving Infidelity
If your world has been shattered by your spouse’s affair, there is no shame in reaching out for professional help. If you decide divorce is the best option, a Christian counselor can help your heart heal.
If you and your spouse wish to reconcile, we offer both individual and couples counseling. Please give us a call to learn about the services we offer. We are ready to help you at San Diego Christian Counseling.
“Prayer”, Courtesy of Samuel Martins, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “One foot in front of the other”, Courtesy of Zack Minor, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Grieving”, Courtesy of Wallace Chuck, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Decisions”, Courtesy of Kat Stokes, Unsplash.com, CC0 License
Are you looking for relationship help regarding fair fighting rules for relationships? Do you find yourself getting into heated arguments with the same person regarding the same issues, over and over again? Perhaps you end up fighting over the smallest of things and never being able to bring the issue to an acceptable resolution.
This article will discuss some suggestions for fair fighting rules so that you’re in a better position to have effective conflict resolution in your relationships.
Rules for Fair Fighting in Relationships
Ask yourself why you’re upset in the first place.
If you’ve ever begun arguing with someone simply because you’re upset, you’re not alone. It’s actually really common. For example, you might return home from work after a really long day and find that no one has bothered to tidy up or even wash the dishes they’ve used.
Before you know it, you’re yelling at the kids, your partner or your roommate, yelling that they need to start cleaning up after themselves and start being more responsible. Later, you begin to regret the way you reacted and find yourself beating yourself up because of your overreaction.
One of the key ingredients of fair fighting is being able to figure out why you are upset and how this can lead to picking a fight for the smallest of reasons.
For example, in the scenario above, it may be that earlier in the day your boss was yelling at you and took you off the big project that you’ve been working on for weeks. Being upset isn’t a justification for taking your feelings out on others, so it’s important to learn to recognize when you’re upset before you start overreacting.
Mindfulness techniques can help you to recognize your feelings before they become your justification for starting a fight. Mindfulness keeps you in the moment and helps you to be much more aware of your emotions.
If you tend to pick fights when you get home from work, you can try taking a few deep breaths and some time to explore your feelings before you go in the house so that you don’t mistake seeing a messy house as the cause of your upset.
It can be helpful to have a place in your home that you can retreat to, a place that is solely yours so that you can calm your emotions and get back to a more settled baseline.
One issue at a time
Do you find that you can start fighting with someone over a really small issue which quickly becomes a much more complicated fight about something much bigger? This is a common problem, and these kinds of fights can quickly become emotionally draining.
For example, if you’re driving somewhere with your partner and they take a wrong turn, you may start fighting about that, but it quickly escalates into a much more heated argument about the way that he never listens to you or respects your opinion.
If you commit to only fighting about one issue at a time, then in this scenario, your fight would just be about taking the wrong turning. Abiding by the one-issue-only rule means that you’re not allowed to bring other issues into the fight. It can take a lot of work and a lot of time to be able to completely stick to this rule, but it will set you on the track towards being able to resolve issues by focusing on finding a solution.
One way to try to stick to a single issue is to make a list of things you want to bring up and gradually tick these off as they’re discussed, one at a time. By doing this, you stay focused and are less likely to try to bring all of the issues into one almighty fight.
Avoid using degrading language
When you’re feeling overwhelmed or your emotions are really running high, the language you use tends to become more derogative. Calling someone a mean name can feel like a good release of the anger you’re feeling but it won’t help the situation. Derogative and degrading language can quickly escalate an argument into a much more serious fight because it makes the other person defensive.
There’s no way that a fight can be productive if you are resorting to degrading language. It is, therefore, a good idea to find less antagonistic ways of releasing your anger in order to keep an argument productive.
For example, instead of yelling, “you’re an idiot” at your partner, you could instead ask, “I don’t understand why you think it’s okay to behave like that, can you explain your reasoning?” It’s much more productive to ask questions rather than to jump to conclusions.
Alternatively, if your emotions are really heightened and you don’t feel able to have a discussion without it turning into a huge fight, you could try writing down what you would like to say and they tearing it up or burning it. That way you get to release your anger and use all the degrading language you like, but it doesn’t cause a massive fight. You’re in a better position to have a less heated discussion later.
It’s also important that you ensure that you’re fighting about an issue rather than fighting about the things you don’t like about the person you’re fighting with. For example, if you’re fighting about the dishes not being done, you shouldn’t make the fight about the person being lazy and irresponsible because taking that approach is degrading the person rather than seeking to understand reasons why the dishes haven’t been done.
Take responsibility for your feelings and express them with words
Emotions can be expressed in a variety of different ways, not just through words. You can express your feelings through your tone, your volume and other types of non-verbal communication such as the way you stand and the expressions on your face. For fair fighting, you need to learn how to express your emotions using your words, not these other ways.
For example, if you’re feeling angry, say “I’m angry” rather than yelling or becoming aggressive. If you’re feeling disappointed, say “I’m disappointed”. When you use “I” statements, you are taking responsibility for your emotions.
When things get heated and accusations start flying, it’s common to fall into the pattern of making “you” statements and putting blame on the other person. For example, “you make me so angry!”
Using “I” statements can make arguments much more productive. You’re talking about how you feel without blaming someone else. For example, if your teenage son stays out past his curfew and you wait up for him, worried that something has happened to him, your emotions will be running high. He doesn’t pick up his phone but eventually sneaks in two hours past his curfew. Your immediate reaction, based on your emotions, might be to yell at him and make “you” statements.
If you make “I” statements instead, such as “I get worried for your safety if you’re not home when I expect you to be and I can’t get you on the phone. Next time, I just need you to let me know where you are,” you’re owning your feelings and explaining them. This approach is more productive and may mean that your teenager will answer his phone next time he misses his curfew and you phone to check if he’s okay.
Take turns talking
It sounds easy to take turns talking since that’s how we know that conversations work. In fights, however, it’s much more difficult to hold back and wait for the other person to finish talking. You might interrupt or talk over them or yell over them. This can then become a vicious cycle where the other person feels justified in interrupting you because you interrupted him.
That’s not a productive way to fight, because neither of you is going to feel heard. Feeling heard is one of the most important aspects of having a productive fight. If you get frustrated that your partner isn’t listening, then they must feel the same way.
Learn to respect each others’ right to be heard, and allow for pauses so that you’re both able to collect your thoughts and think about what to say next. Pauses are not opportunities to jump in and continue your side of the fight. If one of you is breaking this rule, you should not continue the fight, but rather take a break and wait until you’re both able to abide by the rules.
Stonewalling is a term that’s used to describe a situation where you shut down and stop participating in the fight. In some cases, this is because you don’t want to argue, or you feel that “if you can’t say something nice, don’t bother saying anything at all.” This attitude is more common if the relationship is more superficial and expressing your true feelings might not be the best approach.
In long-term or serious relationships, however, stonewalling is a problem. That’s because the emotions that you have don’t just go away when you shut down. They simmer away in your mind, festering like open wounds, and negative feelings tend to grow until you reach the boiling point and all those feelings just erupt in a massive argument.
For productive fighting, you need to express your feelings in the moment. Problems can be solved when you talk about them but keeping them festering away doesn’t solve them. You can use phrases that start with “I feel” or “I noticed that I was thinking” to discuss how the conversation or argument is making you feel.
Yelling is one of the things most commonly associated with fighting, so why would it be against the fair fighting rules? The answer is because when you’re yelling you’re using your tone and volume to express how you’re feeling rather than expressing your emotions in words. When you yell, all the other person is focused on is the yelling. They don’t take in the words, they just focus on the fact that you’re yelling at them. Yelling makes people defensive, too.
If the other person in the fight feels that you are attacking them with the tone and volume of what you’re saying, things can quickly escalate, and a simple disagreement can become a nasty fight. Lower the volume, try to neutralize your tone, and you’re in a much better position to have a positive resolution to the argument. Be mindful that raising your voice can seem like yelling to some people, too.
Take a timeout when the fight is getting heated
There are points in a fight when things have gone beyond the point of having any possibility of resolution when you’re both yelling and screaming and breaking all the rules of fair fighting. At this point, taking a break from the discussion is the best solution. It’s okay for both of you to walk away from a fight when you’re too emotional to be able to keep to the rules.
Taking a break from the argument doesn’t mean that it’s over and that one of you has won. You will have to go back to the conversation at some point but ensure that you’re both in the right frame of mind when you do reopen the conversation. In the meantime, practice skills like mindfulness to help you manage your emotions during a fight better.
Reach a compromise
First of all, it’s important that you realize the difference between compromising or an understanding and coming to an agreement. A compromise is not agreeing that the other person is right, nor is coming to some kind of understanding. You have no doubt heard the phrase “agree to disagree” – that’s what it means to compromise.
When you come to an agreement or decide on a compromise, you are both agreeing that the other person’s opinion is valid. For example, if you’re engaged in a fight about a TV show, it’s possible to validate the other person’s view about the show, while maintaining that you have a different opinion. With more serious issues, like buying a new house, a greater level of compromise will be necessary, however.
For example, if you’re house hunting and you just can’t come to any kind of agreement, you may need to find a compromise by choosing a property that meets some of your individual demands. It might be that there’s a house that has the living room that your partner wants, but you’re not keen on. However, you do love the pool in the backyard, so you’re able to compromise on other features because the house has some things that each of you likes.
In some cases, the other person may be unwilling to make a compromise – for example, with regard to the number of children they want. In those cases, you may need to respect their boundaries and come to an understanding instead of a compromise. If you’re the man in the relationship, you need to recognize that it should be a joint decision with your wife as to how many children you will have.
Getting relationship help from a Christian counselor
It can be daunting to explore the idea of finding a therapist to help with your relationship but getting professional help can make a lot of difference. There are lots of therapists who are experienced in working with couples who have a volatile relationship and struggle with keeping to fair fighting rules.
Find therapists in your local area and schedule appointments with several of them. Often initial sessions are free or discounted, so you’re able to try different therapists to find the one that is the best fit for you. You should be looking for a therapist that you feel comfortable with, who welcomes you and your partner and makes you feel supported.
Look through the profiles of Christian counselors for therapists who specialize in offering therapy to couples and in aspects of communication. You should ask any questions that come to mind in order to find out whether a particular therapist is going to be right for you and your partner. Even if the first few that you try aren’t a good fit, keep looking. There is bound to be a therapist who will be able to help you and your partner work through your issues with fighting.
“Married Fight,” courtesy of Gratisography, pexels.com, CC0 License; “The Boxer”, Courtesy of antfrank, Pixabay.com, CC0 License; “US”, Courtesy of Harsha K R, Flickr.com, CC BY-SA 2.0 License; “They ARE”, Courtesy of Celynek, Flickr.com, CC BY 2.0 License
Getting married is a really thrilling point in your life. Congratulations if you’re about to start out on a journey with the love of your life!
Marriage is an adventure that works best if you prepare well for it. Just as you would plan, in advance, a physical journey you are planning to take, preparing for your wedding and married life will ensure a smoother ride than if you just see how it all works out.
There are some things that you can’t prepare for, of course unexpected situations or events that can only be dealt with when they happen. However, God is always with you no matter what you face. What’s more, you can trust in His promise that He will never leave or forsake you. Even in the most challenging of situations in your marriage, you can depend on God.
There are some things in your marriage that don’t come with a universal how-to-guide to help you navigate turbulent times. These include your relationship with your in-laws. While you may be blessed with really great in-laws who accept you into their family and treat you just like they treat your partner, sadly this may not always be the case.
You may face other challenges in your marriage related to your in-laws for example, if your partner continues to rely on his or her mother or father instead of you. It may be that your partner calls her mother when she’s upset instead of discussing the issue with you first. Or, your marriage may be strained by an expectation that you’ll be able to do home improvement tasks just as well as your partner’s father or brother.
When you’re entering into a marriage, being aware of the conflicts that you may face can help you to deal with these if (or when) they occur. It’s important to acknowledge your concerns from the outset and not try to brush them aside and hope that they get better in time.
This is particularly true if you have concerns about your future spouse’s relationship with his or her family. Discussing these things with an experienced pre-marital counselor will help to reduce the potential negative impact or conflict in the future.
Premarital counseling can help you to start your marriage with a really healthy relationship. Its aim is to strengthen foundations before entering into a covenant with God. You may have to work hard to iron out some issues, but if you’re planning your wedding you should already be committed to doing whatever is needed in order to make the relationship work.
Working on building a healthy relationship can be challenging – because human nature is to become easily discontented and to complain rather than resolve problems. We’re also prone to comparison – comparing our lives to the lives of others that we know. Taking the idea of divorce as a possibility out of the equation from the start can motivate you to put more effort into your marriage.
This understanding, of course, is regarding the ‘normal’ conflicts that emerge in marriage not infidelity or abuse. When infidelity or abuse is the problem then there needs to be a different approach. Premarital counseling helps you to prepare for more everyday challenges, not more serious issues.
Premarital Counseling Topics
There are certain topics that should be discussed during premarital counseling sessions. Firstly, it’s important to establish how you and your future spouse define commitment. When you think about commitment, what immediately comes to mind? What experiences have you had in your family (throughout childhood) that may have affected your view of committment? Commitment is a vital first step in building strong foundations for your marriage in the years to come.
Another subject that you might want to discuss in premarital counseling is your goals for the future. For example, if your future spouse plans to start his own business, but that will involve moving to another region or state, you need to talk about what this means for both of you. It’s important to discuss these things before you make the covenant of marriage, to avoid difficult conflicts later.
You may want to stay close to your parents and siblings or have family-related responsibilities that require you to stay relatively close. If you and your spouse are both aware of these kinds of things, you can discuss any compromises that you might need to make so that you can both fulfill your goals for the future.
What are your thoughts about children? It’s really important to discuss this subject in premarital counseling, as well as considering what you might do if you are unable to conceive children naturally. You can’t prepare for every eventuality, but talking through these kinds of things can help to reduce conflict later in your marriage.
You should also discuss what your expectations are for your marriage. This might include things like spending time with your own group of friends, and what your social life might look like as a couple. If one of you is extroverted and the other is more introverted, how will you organize your social life to have a balance that works for both of you?
What do you plan to do about roles in your new family? If you plan to have children, do you want to be married for a certain amount of time before you start trying for a baby? How will you manage birth control if that’s your plan? What about your career when your children are young? Will one of you stay at home or do you intend to use daycare? Discussing these issues in advance isn’t vital, but it can help to reduce problems in the future.
There are four particular issues that absolutely must be discussed during premarital counseling. These are finances, intimacy, spirituality, and conflict. While finances and intimacy are always evolving in your relationship, they are hugely important. In fact, finances and intimacy can make or break a relationship.
Finances can cause a lot of conflict in relationships, so it’s essential that you spend time during premarital counseling discussing your thoughts and feelings about finances. You could discuss:
- Who will be responsible for paying the bills?
- Will you make financial decisions together?
- How will you deal with any disagreements about your finances?
- What amount of savings will make you feel that you’re secure?
- How do you feel about debt?
Debt is an issue that can lead to a lot of arguments. If you and your future spouse have differing views about debt, then this is something you really need to discuss in detail so that you can come to an agreement about debt before you get married. It’s quite common to have different ideas about debt – these usually come from our childhood experiences.
For example, if your parents struggled with debt and you saw the negative impact that had on your family when you were young, you may be staunchly against any kind of debt. If, on the other hand, you haven’t had personal experience of debt, you may have a more relaxed approach to the idea of debt. Coming to an agreement about how you and your future spouse will handle financial situations, including debt, can be achieved by using the Bible as a guide.
This is how the Bible talks about debt. You can see how God views it:
Let no debt remain outstanding except the continuing debt to love one another.
The rich rules over the poor and the borrower is the slave of the lender.
The wicked borrows and does not repay, but the righteous shows mercy and gives.
God has always wanted for us to experience true freedom (John 10:10) but when we are in debt, it’s impossible to be truly free. Debt means that we owe someone else, which gives them a kind of power over us.
If you have a relaxed view of debt, it’s important that you realize that this view isn’t aligned with the word of God. You can pray with your future spouse for help with changing your heart so that you can be more aligned with God’s will for your married life.
No matter what the topic, if you and your future spouse have opposing views, it’s a great idea to look to the Bible for wisdom so that you can both come into agreement with God’s Word.
You can pray and ask God for help if you are experiencing conflict over any issue. When you pray, God will bring answers into areas of confusion and give you the direction that you need to have a happy and healthy marriage.
Intimacy can be a topic that’s uncomfortable to discuss but there’s no need for it to be. It’s really healthy to discuss issues around intimacy. For example, in premarital counseling sessions you could discuss:
- How frequently do you each desire to be intimate?
- How are you going to manage any dry spells (e.g. when one of you doesn’t want to have sexual intimacy)?
- What preferences do you have for intimacy?
- What are your views about sex?
- How do you view sexual temptation, and how can it be managed?
Even if discussing these things makes you feel uncomfortable, you still need to talk about them. It’s really important that you and your future spouse understand each other’s thoughts and feelings about intimacy. For example, if you’re not aware that a certain kind of behavior during intimacy is triggering for your partner, you may inadvertently create difficulties with intimacy.
It’s also helpful to talk about things like yours and your partner’s love languages. For some people, whose love language is physical touch, physical intimacy is more important than acts of service. Different love languages create different expectations and needs so knowing your partner’s love language can enable you to meet their needs (and they can meet yours) to create a really healthy marriage.
Intimacy isn’t just limited to sexual intimacy. There’s much more to it than that. You will need to discuss emotional intimacy, too. Everyone is different, and some people (often, although not always, women) like to have a strong emotional and/or intellectual connection (or intimacy) before engaging in physical intimacy.
For example, if your partner desires an emotional connection, it’s important to meet that need. Failing to do so may mean that your partner can’t get “in the mood” for physical intimacy. It may also be that if you’re not affectionate with your partner in public, then he or she may feel rejected and later refuse physical intimacy.
It’s important to explore why you have certain views about intimacy so that any difficulties can be worked through before you are married. It may be that your childhood experiences have impacted on your thoughts about intimacy, for example.
When you’re planning to make a marriage covenant with someone, you need to discuss your thoughts and feelings about spirituality, too. You should discuss:
- How you think about and/or define spirituality
- What expectations you have for married life and being involved in a spiritual community
- Your views on the man as the spiritual leader in the household and how you will navigate this issue in your marriage
- Whether you share the same views about spirituality
It’s actually really important that you and your future spouse are in agreement about spiritual issues. That’s because the Bible tells us:
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living god. As God has said, “I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people.
2 Cor. 6:14-16
Conflict is an issue that can often be directly traced back to your childhood experiences. The conflict you witness in your childhood home can cause you to have maladaptive views about conflict that will need to be explored in premarital counseling.
It’s common to have a variety of experiences of conflict that have shaped your views, and these can lead to a more confrontational approach that causes damage to relationships. It’s important to recognize that conflict can be productive and intimacy-building this is how God intended for conflict to be used.
Good conflict can resolve issues in a positive way that does not demean the other person. This approach is not demoralizing and it’s not about us desiring to be “right” about an issue. At the heart of good conflict is a discussion that takes both sides into consideration before making a decision that you are both able to agree to. This way you’re not working against each other, but working together, in the same direction.
Being in a relationship is like being on a team, and marriage cements that team spirit. This is important to remember when you face conflict about an issue. Because you’re on the same team, it’s counterintuitive to be fighting against each other. You’re both, ultimately, striving for the same goal for your relationship.
That’s not to say that you won’t have different ideas about how to achieve your marriage goals but good conflict can help you to make joint decisions that are good for both of you. You need to adopt a united front in order to achieve your goals.
Accessing Premarital Counseling
There are more issues that you may need to discuss in premarital counseling, but this article has highlighted some of the more important issues that you’ll need to give more time to. If you are getting married in the near future and you want to have premarital counseling to ensure your marriage gets off to a strong start, there are Christian counselors available who can offer a Biblical perspective as well as a psychological one.
You should remember that God intends marriage to bring Him glory. Marriage is designed to mirror the covenant love and relationship that God has with us a constant reminder of how much God cares for us.
In your marriage, you may face challenges, but God is always with you, and He is always rooting for you. When you start premarital counseling with a Christian counselor, you can be sure that God will be invited into the sessions so that He is the foundation stone in your marriage covenant.
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When someone describes themselves as a “people pleaser,” a counselor’s mind jumps to codependency. Usually, as the sessions progress, it usually comes to light that these self-identifying “people pleasers” have poor boundaries with friends, family, and colleagues, thereby making them feel like they need to meet other people’s need while theirs remain unmet.
Melody Beattie, a leading researcher in the field of codependency, describes the condition in this way:
A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior. – Codependent No More, 1992 ed.
Do you feel confused by that definition? This article will help explain and illustrate this definition later on.
Pia Mellody, another key researcher in the study of codependency has found that codependency makes it difficult to manage the following areas:
- Maintaining a healthy sense of self-esteem
- Establishing healthy boundaries
- Understanding and owning reality for yourself.
- Self-care, meeting your own wants and needs
- Not being overwhelmed by life
Regarding self-esteem, Mellody continues explaining, “if codependents have any kind of esteem, it is not self-esteem but other-esteem; which is based on external things” (Facing Codependence, p. 9).
A sense of satisfaction surrounding how others think we look or what others think of us isn’t necessarily wrong, but if we need their approval then we don’t have self-esteem, we have others-esteem. Maybe you are thinking, if this is what constitutes codependency, then aren’t we all codependent?
The reality is a lot of us are codependent to some degree. Technology has not helped. The invention of social media has ingrained comparison and other-esteem into the very fabric of society because social media is all about showing people what we are doing and awaiting their affirmation.
We’ve lost the art of keeping things to ourselves. As we’ve lost the ability to have a private life, we’ve lost our sense of personal worth and value assigned by God. We seek the affirmation of others, living from a place of codependency rather than a place of interdependency.
David Richo states, “In a healthy person, loyalty has its limits and unconditional love can coexist with conditional involvement. Unconditional does not, after all, mean uncritical. You can both love someone unconditionally and place conditions on your interactions to protect your own boundaries.” (How to Be an Adult, 1991, p. 58,).
What this means is that God can love us unconditionally without unconditionally condoning our actions and choices. Approving of our decisions and unconditional love are not the same thing.
A lot of people don’t understand boundaries. Boundaries are not things used to control other people, rather they are opportunities for us to decide how much we will participate with others, depending on the decisions they make. The goal of a boundary is to protect us, not control someone else.
In other words, it’s like when you lock your doors at night. Are you locking them to try to prevent crime and wrongdoing on the streets? Of course not. You are locking them in an attempt to prevent crime and wrongdoing in your home.
Boundaries do the same thing. They keep your sense of self safe. An alcoholic has the right to drink as much as they want to. No one else can make their choices for them.
So a boundary for someone in a relationship with an alcoholic might look like this: “You can drink whenever you want. That is your choice. However, know that if you choose to drink, I will choose to remove myself from the situation to protect myself. I know that if I remain nearby, then I will get hurt, and it is my job to protect myself.”
Some may complain this is manipulation, but that isn’t true. You are simply choosing to behave in a way that protects yourself without trying to control others.
An excellent chapter on boundaries is found in How to Be an Adult by David Richo. In the chapter, he says, “I know I have lost my boundaries and become codependent when: I don’t let go of what doesn’t work, and it feels like I cannot let go of what could possibly/hopefully work. Codependency is unconditional love for someone else that has turned against oneself.” (p. 59)
Boundaries and codependency are interlinked. Codependency is essentially not having healthy boundaries to protect yourself. Often, this stems from low-esteem because you don’t think you have the right or ability to stand up for yourself. As children, we are meant to depend on our caretakers.
As responsible adults, we should, in most circumstances, be able to take care of ourselves and, when we can’t, know when it is appropriate to ask for help. This is concerning a human dynamic. When it comes to God and us, we must recognize that he is the only person who can meet our every need on a spiritual level.
It is important to understand that being codependent doesn’t mean you are defective, bad, or hopeless. Most of the time, we learn to be codependent through our early life and family experiences. The lack of boundaries, low self-esteem, enmeshment, and other unhealthy behavior we see in ourselves were likely modeled for us at home.
The experience is only more intense for someone in a relationship with an addict. It may feel like the addiction has taken control of you and your relationship, making it feel impossible to break free from the codependency due to your love for the addict.
You may not have had a choice growing up. Codependency may have begun as a way of surviving, but we need to realize when it is damaging us and no longer helpful. If we don’t, it will remain a pervasive and unhealthy presence, preventing us from living from a healthy, confident place.
So what does it look like to have healthy boundaries?
David Richo provides an excellent summary of what they look like (see p. 59-60 in How to Be an Adult):
- A big part of healthy boundaries is asking for what you want and going to get it. By doing so, you claim your identity and reveal it to others, creating a sense of liberation rather than isolation, bitterness, or fear.
- Take care of yourself and receive love from God. Ask God for discernment and courage to know when a relationship has become toxic and no longer a safe place for you. Having a good support system is key for you to get helpful feedback about what is going on in your life ( therapists, friends, groups, etc).
- Look at how other people treat you and analyze the behavior. Don’t get bogged down in the emotion and tension instead of from a place of confidence decide how you will let yourself be treated.
- Face the fact that you may be intoxicated by unhealthy relationships, looking for love in all the wrong places. Hold a bottomline of how much pain, lying, and hurt you are willing to put up with in a relationship. Keep track of how others treat you and fight for yourself. If you don’t, no one else will.
- As we grow up, we need to learn and understand that God is the only person we can trust fully. Human beings can and will fail us. And we can and will fail those around us. But we need to learn to trust our self, knowing we are worthy of love and not letting other people or our pain define us.
Being part of a healthy relationship means investing in other people, giving up some of our power, without our identities being diminished. We love and surrender parts of ourselves as lovers, not as powerless victims. If we live as victims at the mercy of others, we will be unable to protect ourselves and live from a place of reaction rather than self-confidence.
Common Signs of Codependency
Professionals don’t fully agree on the defining characteristics of codependency, but usually look for these key signs when determining if someone is dealing with codependency (adapted from Melody Beattie’s definition in Codependent No More):
- Taking responsibility for other people’s thoughts, feelings, choices, or behaviors
- Finding a sense of value in “saving” other people from their own choices
- Doing things because you are expected to and saying yes when you really want to say no
- Being more concerned about other people’s wants/needs instead of your own
- Experiencing Uneasiness or guilt when someone helps you
- Being disappointed and sad when your whole life is spent serving others, while nobody serves you
- Finding yourself drawn to needy individuals and needy individuals being drawn to you
- Experiencing boredom or a lack of purpose if nothing is going wrong.
Melody Beattie then describes how low self-worth typically manifests for a codependent person:
- Tend to come from troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional families and deny this fact
- Blame themselves for everything
- Reject compliments
- Feel guilty about doing something good for themselves
- Fear rejection
- Take things personally
- Have been victims of emotional, sexual, physical abuse, neglect, abandonment or drug/alcohol addictions
- Their inner-dialogue consists almost solely of negative self-talk
- Help others instead of helping themselves
- Live with a pervasive sense of hopelessness that good things will happen to them
- Settle for being needed while believing others won’t love them
Jesus promised us a life of abundance, not a life making it through. This doesn’t mean we won’t have trouble or trials, but a Christ centered life has him a source of unconditional love, acceptance, and validation.
When we live from this place, a place of abundance, we can give love and care to others. If we live from a place of scarcity and searching for validation from other people, then we won’t have anything to give anyone.
Do you remember the famous passage where Jesus tells us to love others as we love ourself? We rarely ever talk about how that command is predicated on the idea that we already love ourselves. Some people think that we need to learn to love ourselves before we can love others, but the truth is that we already do love ourselves. Just as we feed, clothe, and nurture our own bodies, so we are to show love to others by seeing to their needs.
When we give anything, it should be done from a place of abundance, not scarcity. If we think we lack acceptance, love, etc., then it is difficult to give those things to anyone. Instead, we will always be looking to other people to fill us up with love and acceptance, which can only be found in the person and work of Jesus Christ.
If reading this article, you resonated with the signs and characteristics of codependency, resulting in depression, anxiety, and general apathy in your life, then reach out to a counselor. A trained professional can help you figure out what is at the root of your issues.
Dealing with symptoms is helpful, but can’t ultimately fix the problem. To really deal with the issues, you will need a counselor to help you process your life and story in order to develop a healthy sense of self. Reach out to us to day to start your journey of healing!
“Needed”, Courtesy of Cristian Newman, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Warmsweaterday”, Courtesy of Anne-Marie Pronk, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Yes”, Courtesy of Chris Benson, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Fear of Abandonment”, Courtesy of Rebcenter Moscow, Pixabay.com, CC0 License
Many people in the United States will have experienced emotional abuse or know someone who has endured it. Although emotional abuse is something that people are often reluctant to talk about, it really is quite pervasive.
In the past, the things that are now considered to be emotionally abusive would never have been recognized as being problematic, but now the emotional impact of words and actions are much better understood.
It’s important to draw a distinction between someone who is an emotional abuser and a person who says or does emotionally abusive things. To be clear, an emotional abuser intentionally and continually seeks to hurt, undermine or manipulate other people.
By contrast, everyone has the ability to say or do something that can be considered to be emotionally abusive in a certain situation – but unless they do this continually, this is not the same as being an emotional abuser.
While, as human beings, we have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, a majority of people will repent of their actions and seek to repair the damage done. However, a minority fall into a category of people who repeatedly hurt others and deliberately destroy relationships with people. Unfortunately, these types of people are rarely able to change for the better.
Emotional abuse can happen in a range of different relationships: romantic, parental, siblings, friendships, colleagues, and in church communities. It is not limited to specific demographics or locations – potentially anyone can either abuse or be abused emotionally.
Signs of Emotional Abuse
The exact signs of emotional abuse vary from person to person, but there are common characteristics for each of the types of relationship context the abuse occurs. It can be helpful for you to consider which of these types of abuse you most relate to, as well as to reflect on whether you may have used these behaviors yourself in your relationships.
Neglect as a Type of Abuse
Parents who are physically neglectful of their children, through withholding interaction, for example, are being emotionally abusive. It is also possible for people to neglect their children and other family members emotionally, by refusing to engage in any way with them. Additionally, parents who are providing for the physical needs of children but prioritizing other areas of their own lives can be considered to be neglectful.
Ultimately, when a caregiver or partner neglects to meet the needs of the other person, they are doing emotional harm. It is considered to be neglectful to fail to meet needs because there are general expectations associated with being a parent or being in a romantic relationship.
When you decide to become a parent or enter into a serious relationship, you are signing up for the responsibilities that come along with those things, and to be an active participant in the relationship. Failure to meet those responsibilities and expectations for care, whether that care is physical, emotional or financial, constitutes neglect.
Verbal Emotional Abuse
There are a number of ways in which someone can be verbally emotionally abusive. For example, a person may continually refuse to accept or consider your opinion and actually force you to accept their opinion. Another example might be a person who refuses to speak to you or interact with you in any way as a form of punishment or control.
People who always insist that they are right, those who have to have the last word, and those who judge you and others harshly, causing you to feel guilt and shame are also being emotionally abusive. Some methods of emotional abuse are more obvious than others.
It is the tactics being used that make these things examples of verbal emotional abuse. Verbal emotional abuse can have a significant impact on your self-worth and sense of uniqueness. A more surprising example of verbal emotional abuse is sarcasm. People are less likely to view sarcasm as emotional abuse since it’s common and many in our society see it as permissible as long as it’s funny.
However, when we stop to think about the sarcastic comments that we either make ourselves or receive from others, it becomes clear that sarcasm, regardless of humorous intent, can really hurt people’s feelings. Ultimately, sarcasm belittles others while masquerading as humor.
Verbal emotional abuse can take the form of a person who is always being prepared to preach to you about the faults and errors in the way that you live your life and attempting to control you. Even when this is done with good intentions, it lacks grace and understanding and doesn’t help you resolve issues.
Another common type of verbal emotional abuse is the person who insists that they have forgiven you for something – but then takes every possible opportunity to bring up the past grievances so as to shame you and make you feel guilty. At the heart of all these examples of verbal emotional abuse is the use of language to control and belittle others.
Emotional Abuse Via Behavior
While physical abuse generally tends to be also emotionally abusive, emotional abuse is not necessarily physical. There are different ways in which emotional abuse can take place through actions and behaviors. For example, people who intimidate others and incite fear as a means of control are being emotionally abusive.
People with unpredictable moods that tend to swing from extremes can be considered to be emotionally abusive since the people around them often struggle to feel safe. A more extreme example might be the Jekyll and Hyde personality – people who have a charismatic public ‘side’ to their personality but are very different (and emotionally abusive) at home. It’s hard to know where you stand with both of these types of people.
Favoritism is another means by which a person can be behaviorally abusive. Favoritism is where a person has a ‘favorite’ and uses their favorite as a measure for other people’s accomplishments. Favoritism has a profound impact on someone’s self-esteem and self-worth.
In family situations, favoritism is a common problem. Another family-related example of behavioral emotional abuse is role-reversal, where parents expect their children to assume a parental role while the parent takes on the role of a child.
A severe example of role reversal is emotional or covert incest, which was identified by Dr. Kenneth Adams in the book Silently Seduced. This happens when a parent who feels neglected by the other parent uses the children as substitutes for their partner.
This type of emotional abuse can have profound and long-lasting negative effects on children – and the dysfunction may continue well into adulthood. Christian counsellors are often consulted by people who are concerned by the unhealthy relationship that their spouse has with a parent, and which consequently is affecting the marital relationship.
People who constantly make promises that turn out to be empty may also be considered to be guilty of emotional abuse. Empty promises result in a loss of security and trust and may impact on the victim’s ability to experience hope. That’s because when you experience constant disappointment, you can begin to question whether good things will ever happen.
The Effects of Emotional Abuse on Relationships
Now that you understand more about the types of emotional abuse and their signs, we need to consider how emotional abuse impacts people’s lives.
If you’ve been the victim of emotional abuse at some point in your life, you may find that you struggle with intimate relationships. This is because emotional abuse tells us that other people are not emotionally safe, and as a defense mechanism you may distance yourself from others or avoid being in any way vulnerable around people.
Another example of the impact of emotional abuse is known as co-dependency. This leads to people continually seeking validation and approval from their significant others. Their entire sense of self-worth is dependent upon another person – this is often the result of emotional neglect in childhood.
Enabling behaviors can also be caused by emotional abuse in the past. For example, someone who has a history of being emotionally abused will enable other people to behave in ways that are unhealthy or inappropriate just in order to feel needed or wanted. Often, people who come to therapy because of their engagement in abusive relationships have received a message in the past that they deserve to be abused.
People who isolate themselves completely from others have frequently been the victim of emotional abuse. On the other end of that spectrum, victims of emotional abuse may also crave relationships (due to neglect in the past) to such an extent that they will endure anything, and do anything that they’re asked to do, perhaps to avoid abandonment.
What Does the Bible Have to Say About Emotional Abuse?
Although the Bible does not specifically address emotional abuse by name, there are plenty of examples in Scripture of God’s view of emotional abuse:
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord. – Ephesians 6:4
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Therefore, be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving. – Ephesians 5:1-4
A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. – Proverbs 15:1
He who isolates himself pursues selfish desires; he rebels against all sound judgment. A fool does not delight in understanding, but only in airing his opinions. With a wicked man comes contempt as well, and shame is accompanied by disgrace. The words of a man’s mouth are deep waters; the fountain of wisdom is a bubbling brook. A fool’s lips bring strife, and his mouth invites a beating. A fool’s mouth is his ruin, and his lips are a snare to his soul. A gossip’s words are like choice morsels, and they sink into the inmost being. – Proverbs 18:1-4 & 6-8
It is clear from these verses that God is particularly concerned with the way that we interact with others, and how we use our speech and the intentions within our hearts as part of our daily interactions. There is much wisdom to be gleaned about emotional abuse from these verses.
Many people experience emotional abuse and suffer the long-term effects in their lives. However, it is possible to heal from the impact of emotional abuse, and a San Diego Christian counselor can help you start your journey towards healing.
A Christian counselor can give you the tools that you need to challenge the distorted beliefs that result from emotionally abusive relationships. Working together, it is then possible to build a much healthier belief system and develop your sense of identity.
It is an unfortunate truth that hurt people hurt people. When you have been hurt or broken by past abuse, it can lead to long-term problems not only for you but for the significant others in your lives. You can hurt people without intending to when you have distorted beliefs about what is, and isn’t, acceptable.
The emotional abuse that you experienced was not your fault, and you did not deserve it, but it’s important that you seek help in order to heal from the effects – both for your emotional wellbeing and for the wellbeing of your loved ones. Reach out now so that you can begin the process of change.
“Downcast,” courtesy of Avenue G, Flickr Creative Commons, CC0 License; “Victim”, Courtesy of Zach Guinta, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Blindfolded”, Courtesy of Oscar Keys, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Open Bible”, Courtesy of Aaron Burden, Unsplash.com, CC0 License
Here’s a truth: Sexual issues are common in most marriages. It may be differences in opinion or disagreeing about physical intimacy. Many couples view sex as an indicator of health in the relationship, which is why a problematic sex life gives rise to concern.
Here’s another truth: Even happy couples can experience these complications. Sex incorporates psychology, biology, and sociology so more factors than simply “being a happy couple” determine your sex life.
Imagine marriage as a functioning human body with different facets and multiple factors that determine health. Checking your level of health can be done in different ways too. You can check heart rate, breathing, blood pressure, temperature and more.
The same goes for a marriage. Don’t use sex as the only way to determine your long term viability; complications don’t prove you have a bad marriage. But of course, it’s frustrating and can be damaging, just like an unchecked fever can lead to more issues. It could be a sign of deeper needs such as the desire to be understood.
Firstly, you should remove the pressure regarding the sexual act. There are other ways than this to experience intimacy and enjoyment. We may think sex should simply “happen” and always be natural and magical. In truth it’s complicated because it concerns these areas of the entire person:
- Connection with each other
There are many areas for problems to occur and both people bring unique aspects to the table. You may feel that these problems are unique to your relationship, but most couples (even happy ones) need to work through these, including medical challenges such as hormonal issues or erectile dysfunction.
Since biology plays a big role you must consult your doctor regarding sexual problems so you can rule out causes or treat them. The same applies to psychology. The important thing is that you don’t see sexual problems as a death warrant for your marriage, but recognize that your relationship requires attention.
When to Consider Sex Therapy
After ruling out biological causes or if you want to have counseling during medical treatment you’ll need to know what to expect from sex therapy.
This is daunting but can lead to much more fulfilment and intimacy. Results aren’t guaranteed but couples counseling is worth considering if:
- Individual work didn’t help
- You want to consider it with your partner alongside you
- You realize the problems aren’t limited to the physical
- You want some help to move forward in building intimacy
It may help to know what it won’t be:
- Physically intrusive
- A beauty magazine
- A Kama Sutra class
It is facilitated by trained professionals. You’re the expert on yourself, but you may need them to provide objective insight regarding causes, foundations, and problems.
What Will Happen in Couples Counseling?
Each experience will be unique because therapists differ, training differs and there are different schools of thought. You need to find someone you’re comfortable with. Therapy doesn’t happen in a prescribed, set-in-stone manner. It will take different directions based on what you, your partner, and your therapist prioritizes.
Learn more about your love languages
An important component is how each person gives and receives love. You may be on different pages, needing to realign.
Here are examples: “I always make sure his coffee is made every morning, and he doesn’t appreciate it.” “It’s not that I don’t appreciate it, but I really wish she’d cuddle with me more.” They speak different languages and during therapy, these expressions can be explored.
Discover more about your negative cycles
If you have negative patterns you need to identify them first and then break them. Think about the following:
- “We just have the same argument over and over again”
- “All of our fights end in the same way with no resolution.”
An objective third party will identify problems more easily and help you ve to break the cycle.
Learn mindfulness skills
Things such as deep breathing and meditation can minimize anxiety so you can engage with your own body, mind, and emotions. It’s also described as radical acceptance.
Explore what sex means to both of you
When your ideas about the parameters of sex vary widely it can impact how you experience physical intimacy and fulfilment as a couple.
Broaden your definition of sex and physical intimacy
It could be vital to broaden both of your ideas about what sex is and how it’s experienced, especially when there’s sexual dysfunction.
Learn what holds you back from emotional intimacy
When you can’t be vulnerable or there’s no safe space for emotional vulnerability it can affect emotional intimacy. Your past traumas can also affect your ability to become emotionally aware and emotionally available regarding your spouse.
When you know which factors are at play it benefits healing. A professional can teach you to create safe spaces in your marriage where you can be emotionally vulnerable.
Learn how emotional intimacy impacts your physical intimacy
Many of these factors can impact your physical intimacy and sexual relationship such as libido changes. You’ll learn how a lack of emotional connection will influence this, so you can start fixing the problem.
Explore why your relationship has changed over time
Many people experience sex life changes over time, such as frequency and libido differences. You may think it relates to the health of your marriage but you’ll explore this to discover the true reasons.
Explore your roles in your sex life and in your marriage
If one partner initiates more often, chances are good that the other one never does. One partner may have a higher libido than the other. People step into these roles and believe they have to fulfill them. Because these roles have pros and cons you need to know if they’re adaptive or maladaptive. Also, realize why you take up these roles and see if they’re bringing fulfillment or dissatisfaction.
Explore past trauma
Your past trauma can impact your sexual experiences. If this is the case your therapist may want to explore this in individual counseling and ask a trauma counselor to help as well. If they affect your ability to enjoy physical and emotional connectedness, these experiences need to be explored.
Address differences in expectations
You may not agree about what you want from your sexual relationship such as frequency or type of sex. Acceptance, compromise, and working together to discover a mutually satisfying sex life may be one of your therapy goals.
Having boundaries is a healthy aspect of any part of your life. Therapists help you to set and keep them.
Determine how sexual problems are impacting your marriage as a whole
Sexual issues can cause insecurities and resentment. It’s difficult to foresee their consequences so a therapist’s objectivity can help.
Giving and understanding consent are important actions but you may need help from a therapist to get it right.
Learn how to talk about sexual issues
A therapist will help you feel comfortable talking about sex and physical intimacy. You need to build a language about this aspect of your marriage to help create safe space and work together better towards your goal, as you understand each other more.
Begin to create a comfortable space to talk about sex with your spouse
Topics may include:
- Problem solving
- When and where check-ins
- How to discuss sex
Talk about how God created sex and His role for sex in the marriage
God created a beautiful design for sex inside of marriage but it can be difficult to understand. Your therapist can help discuss this and provide insight.
Explore topics about sexual satisfaction and what it means for your partner
It’s common not to understand what you or your partner likes or dislikes during sex. For mutual fulfillment, you need to discuss this topic together.
Explore how culture has impacted your ideas and expectations around sex
Culture affects how we think about sex and analyzing this can help you understand yourselves as well as your partner.
Alter the goals of sex
The idea of sex can be broader and more fulfilling than simply intercourse ending in orgasms for both parties. You can change your goals so they suit your current circumstances.
Possible Benefits of Sex Therapy
Important fact: No two couples are the same. Therefor your results and benefits will be unique and there are no guarantees from your therapist. But possible outcomes include the following.
Find your sex life more fulfilling
Compromising, working on frequency, and learning what you really enjoy can often lead to more fulfilment.
Understand your own and your spouse’s boundaries better
Communicating about boundaries leads to safety and vulnerability in your relationship.
Learn to problem solve together
When you can solve problems together you’ll overcome obstacles and use collective brainpower.
Learn what your partner likes
Knowing will affect your actions. Eventually, this can make both parties happier.
Understand how sex speaks to your partner
The different experiences of sex range from feeling connected to feeling loved to expressing desire. Learning to speak the language helps you understand what you’re saying and how your spouse receives the message.
Understand the impact of culture and prescribed roles
Roles may not be wrong and cultural viewpoints don’t have to change. However, when you understand these aspects you grasp your roles better.
Gain an understanding of your negative cycles and how to get out
Understand your conflict coping mechanisms and your negative patterns as a couple. Reaching your goal means you’ve problem-solved and found a solution.
Learn more about the physiology of sex
This leads to more understanding and pleasure for both parties.
Learn more about yourself, your partner, and yourselves as a couple
Understanding each other leads to more progress as a team.
Work towards learning an entirely new language
To discuss sex and intimacy you need emotional vulnerability and feeling comfortable talking about it. Learn:
- How to talk about sex
- What you like
- What you want
- What your spouse wants
Then you’ll speak the same language so you have better communication; this can lead to more fulfilment in your sex life.
Learn how sex can be a beautiful part of God’s plan for your marriage
When you know God values your marriage and intimacy within you’ll understand marriage in general. This also includes valuing sex as a vital part of our union.
Leave with a better connection
When you’ve dealt with sexual issues you’re bound to connect better overall and by working on communication, removing obstacles and being honest, you build a layer free marriage: No resentment or misunderstandings or unexpressed thoughts.
It will be complex and you’ll respond differently than others. Because there are no guarantees, nervous comments often include:
- “We don’t need someone else involved in our business.”
- “I know another couple who tried counseling and it just made things worse.”
- “I can’t talk about sex with anyone. It’s so awkward.”
- “Talking in a room doesn’t fix real life.”
Yes, this is very complicated. But as it can indicate how your marriage fares – such as checking your body’s heart rate – attending to the problem is vital. It can also help many aspects of your union.
Here’s another truth: Your marriage is worth this complexity and hard work.
Consider marriage therapy when you realize there are sexual concerns that aren’t getting any better. If you feel that it’s urgent and your doctor confirms that it’s not a biological issue, see a professional therapist for couples counseling.
Talk to your spouse to gauge whether he or she is comfortable visiting a couples therapist with you. Talk together about:
- Preferences regarding gender
- Preferences regarding the therapist’s background
- Questions you want to ask about experience
When you’re ready, vet counselors to find one that matches your preferences. At San Diego Christian Counseling you’ll find many professionals who can assist with this process. Let’s start helping your marriage today.
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Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you. – Deut. 31:6 (ESV)
For those of us who are constantly worried about pleasing others, nothing can be more frightening than interacting with someone who is ill-tempered – especially if we might have been the cause of their ill temper in the past.
That feeling of having butterflies in your stomach, your palms turning wet or fidgeting with your nails is how you feel when you have to face that ‘Scary Giant;’ a ‘Giant’ who after all is just another person like you.
This article touches upon a few aspects of personality imprints covered in “How We Love” by Milan and Kay Yerkovichhen
People pleasers are generally those whose childhood is nurtured either by a parent who was either overprotective or hypercritical.
In the first case, the child learns to fear many things. Here the parent is always eager to swoop down to keep any unforeseen worry or harm away from their precious little child, resulting in the child never having to stand up to face situations on their own.
In the case of the hypercritical parent- the child becomes a pleaser in order to avoid the constant anger and criticism of his parent. As the Yerkovichs put it, they turn into ‘good boys’ and ‘good girls’ in order to escape anxiety or abuse. Ultimately concerned with attending to the feelings of others, they ignore their own, never learning to deal with them. (71-73)
Their imprint might also because of constant anxiety or even some sort of learning disability. School is a trial since they abreast of others and the other kids mock them for it. They always fearful of having to give answers out loud or of having to work problems on the board. (76)
Time away from home can be a source of stress for these types of kids. This is because they are not able to keep tabs on the home environment while they are not there. Returning home means that they have to assess everyone’s mood so that these young people-pleasers can accommodate their behavior to the home environment. (75) As these little ones grow up they are constantly monitoring their spouse’s emotional moods even without realizing it.
Not Worried, Just Stressed
Pleasers are people who engage in a continual subconscious emotional battle. They are ruled by a constant feeling of stress, which is their anxiety to please others. They tend to absorb all the emotions and anger of everyone around them, trying their best to keep them all relaxed and comfortable, which in turn reduces their tension and keeps them happy.
Since they were never taught to handle situations as children, as adults they try to avoid them altogether. Their parents might have been a source of unpredictable anger so they keep track of the emotions of everyone around them, looking for the telltale signs, and instantly attempting to flee or to please them.
Pleaser adults live in constant fear of being accepted or rejected by those that surround them. Their actions are designed to seek acceptance from those they come into contact with. They frequently permit themselves to be taken advantage of.
Taking a firm stand for something they believe in is extremely difficult for people pleasers. Saying “no” to someone might incur anger from them. They often end up with too much on their plates because they say yes to everything. Paralyzed with fear of rejection, they struggle to solve problems and take independent action because they lack the required confidence
What the Bible Says About Man-Pleasers
As Christians, the Scriptures warn us against fearfulness. Though life is often filled with challenges and crossroads, we are encouraged to trust in the God who holds our future.
“Let not let your hearts be troubled” (John 14:1). The Bible also assures us that “God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control” (2 Tim 1:7).
The Lord has cautioned us to think before we act, but He has also promised: “fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you …” (Is 41:10). Consider some of the well-known characters of the Bible: Abraham, Elijah, David, Peter, etc. Though they were all in difficult situations at various times, they knew that they could rely on God, who is faithful. “When I am afraid, I put my trust in you” (Ps. 56:3).
Christian Counseling for People Pleasers
Imprints are difficult to grow out of. But if you are willing to break free from the old self, you can learn to be comfortable with who you are, and not be so afraid of others. A professional Christian counselor is equipped to employ proven therapeutic methods alongside spiritual principles to help you live a life free from fear.
“Lost in the Wilderness,” courtesy of Toa Heftiba, unsplash.com, Public Domain License; “Keep the Blinds Closed,” courtesy of Iz zy, unsplash.com, Public Domain License; “Surprise,” courtesy of pixabay.com, pexels.com, CC0 Public Domain License; “For Me?” courtesy of iPrice Group, pexels.com, CC0 Public Domain License
San Diego Christian Counseling is an affiliation of professional Christian counselors with many years of experience providing help and counsel to people of all ages and backgrounds as they work through a variety of issues.
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