One biblical proverb states, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy” (Proverbs 27:6, ESV). The wisdom gained in this proverb is that while a friend might wound you, perhaps by telling you a painful truth, it comes from a place of love, and it is for your benefit and good. On the other hand, an enemy might shower you with affection, but you can’t trust it because it doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

Most, if not all, relationships will have uncomfortable and painful moments and seasons. These are sometimes necessary as they may represent sloughing off old and unhelpful habits and growing in virtue. It’s easy to cut off anything and anyone who makes you uncomfortable or encourages change in your life; however, this proverb invites us to look deeper at what may be going on.

When you’re mired in a relationship, it can be hard to discern the habits, mindset, and behaviors that you consider normal but could actually be detrimental to your well-being.

Codependency is a cluster of behaviors and thinking patterns that may appear normal to you, but ultimately undermine flourishing; therefore, it is important to pay attention to the signs of codependency and to make the necessary changes in your life, even though that could be painful to do.

Codependent Behavior in Brief

People aren’t built to function as entirely independent entities. We need many things to survive, and one of the many things we need to not only survive but thrive is healthy relationships with others. Relationships provide us with the stage to fully display what it means to be creatures made in the image of God, who is love (Genesis 1:26-27; 1 John 4:16).

Our calling is to love God and love others as we love ourselves (Matthew 22:34-40; Romans 13:8-10; 1 Corinthians 13). Love entails relationship, and it entails engaging in relationships in a particular way. The way we are to relate to each other includes being truthful, honoring each other, and practicing humility.

There is a distinction between healthy mutual self-giving love, wherein there is an expression of healthy dependence on one another, and codependency. Codependency stems, in large part, from a lack of or unhealthy self-identity. They may depend on others for their sense of validation, or they can struggle to operate independently of others. Their sense of value or worth is pegged according to whether others need them.

Codependence indicates in someone an unclear sense of who they are, which often leads to the blurring of lines between their identity and that of the other person in the relationship. A codependent relationship dynamic leads to the inability to distinguish between your own feelings, thoughts, and needs, and another person’s. Codependency can result in the prioritization of other’s needs over one’s own in detrimental ways.

When a person is codependent, they often carry a fear of abandonment by their loved ones. Since they are afraid of being rejected by others, they can compromise their own values, either enabling or rescuing a loved one from the consequences of their actions or attempting to control their behavior to avoid facing feelings of rejection or anxiety.

All in all, codependent behavior does not honor the fact that you are made in God’s image and have intrinsic value and dignity; this in addition to God’s love demonstrated by what Christ did on your behalf on the cross. Codependency roots a person’s value in the approval of others, making these others something akin to gods. The problem with gods or idols is that they require sacrifice, and codependency often leads to unhealthy forms of self-sacrifice.

Why would you be unaware of your codependent behavior?

Codependent behavior can be damaging to a person’s well-being. When a person becomes enmeshed and doesn’t have a separate identity, they overlook their Christ-identity and the way God made them. Seeking approval and purpose and trying to get your sense of identity and value from others, whether they are your friends, siblings, parents, children, or significant other, is a perilous path because you cannot get those things from another person.

One question that could be asked is why you’d be so unaware of codependent behavior in your life. How is it possible to miss it? There are several reasons why you might be unaware of the codependent traits you exhibit. We are often blind to patterns that feel natural to us, and so if you’ve grown up or have been socialized by your family and community to act in codependent ways, you’re unlikely to see the issue, even if you feel its effects.

Some people are also quite generous and giving by nature, or these traits may be modeled and encouraged, and they could be part of your family’s ethos. It may also be fueled by particular understandings of Christian faith that miss the fact that while Jesus was the quintessential servant, He still took time for Himself (often in prayer).

He had a clear sense of identity that allowed Him to say “No” to others when it didn’t align with His purposes (Mark 1:35; Luke 4:42-44).

Sometimes, one might be aware of their codependent behaviors, although they simply wouldn’t think of them that way. They may think of it as being loving, generous, others-centered, and selfless. Codependent behaviors can mask themselves as these things, but there is a difference between them. A codependent person may find themselves improperly practicing values they cherish that are consistent with biblical love (1 Corinthians 13).

You might also be unaware of your codependent behavior because it has not been brought to your attention. If you enable your partner’s behavior, for instance, it’s unlikely that they would be the one to call out your codependency, because that’s part of the dynamic you have. It often takes someone else, sometimes a stranger, or someone with knowledge of codependent behavior, to point out how you are relating to others and yourself.

Signs of Codependent Behavior

Codependent behavior may be easy to miss or overlook; thus, it is important to outline signs of codependency. Some signs of codependent behavior to be watchful for include the following:

Loss of identity If a person defines themselves solely or primarily through the relationship, and if they lose touch with their personal interests and autonomy, that could be a sign of codependency.

Lack of boundaries A boundary is a psychological demarcation that separates you from other people. Healthy boundaries help you maintain your sense of integrity and identity. If, however, you have difficulty saying “no” to other people or setting important limits to what you’re willing to do, that could be a sign of codependent behavior.

One consequence of poor boundaries is that you could end up overcommitting yourself, leaving you stretched thin and emotionally exhausted. This can lead to increased and/or persistent frustration and resentment toward others.

Excessive caretaking Codependency also often leads to constantly prioritizing the needs of others over your own, often at great personal expense. Being deeply enmeshed with the other person can lead to being controlling and micromanaging them.

Fear of abandonment Codependency is often accompanied by a fear of abandonment. This can be described as persistent anxiety or panic when one’s partner is away or threatens to leave. Even if everything is okay, a codependent person may fear being abandoned, leading to constant bids for reassurance. This fear can lead to staying in unhealthy relationships.

Enablement Covering up, brushing aside, or excusing a loved one’s harmful behaviors, such as addiction or abuse, are all indicative of enablement. Rather than holding someone accountable for their harmful behavior, the codependent person will often enable the behavior because they feel needed.

Recovering from Codependency

Sometimes our habits are so deeply ingrained that it seems impossible to do things differently; however, recovery from codependency is possible. There are steps that you can take toward this goal, and a great place to start is through self-reflection and seeing codependence clearly for what it is. If codependency is cloaked as anything other than what it is, there will be little to no motivation to do anything about it.

Another step is to take time for biblical self-care. Loss of, or disconnection with your identity in Christ, leads to enmeshment, which is one of the key attributes of codependency. Taking time for yourself to explore your own hobbies and rekindle a sense of who you are away from the relationship is important.

It can take time to rediscover who you are apart from the relationship. Give yourself grace, be kind to yourself, rest in God’s perfect love, and connect with your identity in Christ as you do this work. You can also combine this with setting and maintaining clear boundaries.

Professional counseling can help you identify and understand your values and limits, as well as help establish and communicate healthy boundaries. Counseling is also a space where you can explore the origins of codependent dynamics in your life and begin developing a fresh understanding of relationships. Call us today to learn more or to schedule an appointment with one of the counselors in our directory.