In today’s world, people crave authenticity. They have difficulty trusting inauthentic or fake people. A person’s self-concept needs to be the same not only around others but also when they are alone. However, many people create a false sense of self so that they can appear better than they feel or than they actually are.
A false sense of self is difficult to detect as a person will sometimes try to make themselves the most significant person in the room to appear superior to others. This is meant to impress others and make them believe they are smarter or better than they are. These people might make jokes to get people to laugh or interrupt with a fact about themselves to turn their attention to them. If you’re struggling with this issue, San Diego Christian Counseling may provide support to help you better understand and address these behaviors.
Conversely, other people may put themselves down so much that people feel they are superior to them. Both false senses of self are rooted in sinful pride. This toxic shame creates an unhealthy environment for the person and everyone around that person. How do you know if a person has a false sense of self? Here are four signs a person is struggling with a false sense of self:
A person with a false sense of self looks to you for validation
A person with a false sense of self looks to others for validation. Suppose you are a significant other or spouse in the relationship. In that case, being in a healthy relationship with a person who constantly wants you to stroke their ego is challenging. They have a continuous need for affirmation and validation, which is not consistent with someone who lives with a healthy sense of self.
A person with a healthy sense of self will have their identity rooted in their relationship with God rather than in what they have or what they do. They will often look to you to be the person who will help them get better, but no matter how much encouragement you give, a person struggling with the false sense will never fully feel worthy in your presence.
A person who seeks validation through you needs to seek help from a professional who can help them discover why they feel they need to be validated by others. A person whose identity is secure does not look to others for validation. They have a healthy sense of self that does not typically worry about what others think or say.
They puff themselves up
A person who struggles with a false sense of self will constantly puff themselves up when they are in the room. They often are the people who must know everything, interrupt others, and be the person to correct each person in the room.
It isn’t easy to be with someone who tries to feel better about themselves at the expense of others. People with low self-esteem will often do this to hide or mask their low self-esteem. They also try to make themselves look important to impress others and convince them that they are better.
People who puff themselves up often must brag about themselves or boast about their accomplishments or possessions. Although this might be good initially, it gets old when people constantly need to talk about themselves to feel better. The constant need to steal attention from others and put it on themselves strains relationships as other people realize they aren’t being heard or allowed to speak about themselves because the other person constantly needs attention.
The person who puffs themselves up can’t stay there forever. Sooner or later they will come across someone who is superior to them in accomplishment or possessions, and the puffed-up person’s true colors will come out as they vent their wrath on this person.
A person who has a narcissistic tendency will cause strain in relationships when out of a desire to make themselves feel better they tear down the other person merely for talking about their accomplishments. These people have difficulty in relationships because they can’t allow someone else to be better than them.
People with a false sense of self tear themselves down
Conversely, people who feel self-conscious will tear themselves down before they allow others to tear them down. For example, a person who is insecure about their body image will often make jokes about their weight or their appearance because they don’t want other people to make that joke. They feel that making that joke about themselves will disarm other people from making a joke and belittling them.
Other people who tear themselves down are the people who never have anything positive to say about themselves. For example, if they do something good, like get a job promotion, they often hide it or minimize it so that others won’t congratulate them on their accomplishments.
While sometimes this may be real humility, it’s often sinful pride disguised as a false sense of humility. In order to feel better about themselves some people will tear themselves down in front of others so that others will not get the chance to do it for them, or even more insidiously, to prompt the others to compliment them.
If you know someone who likes to tear themselves down because they are insecure, take some time to encourage them. Publicly praise them and highlight their accomplishments. Even if they don’t like it now, they will come to appreciate that you love them enough to have others see what they do and celebrate them. Eventually, they will begin to accept that other people love them and that they are better than they think they are.
They don’t show their true feelings
People who have a false sense of self often don’t share their true feelings. This is because maybe they’ve either suppressed those feelings for so long that they don’t know what to do with them, or they’re used to having other people tell them what to feel. Either way, these people are uncomfortable speaking their minds or expressing themselves to others.
These may be people who live another person’s life and allow others to dictate how they feel, think, or act. They often suffer from codependency and have difficulty expressing their preferences or desires to others. They might fear others will reject them or not want to spend time with them.
Additionally, people who don’t show their true feelings could be hiding grief or sadness. They may put on a big smile and pretend like everything is fine. They might even say, “I’m fine,” when someone asks them how they are doing. However, inside, they are depressed, crying, grieving, or experiencing other uncomfortable emotions.
Somewhere in their childhood, someone may have told them they should not feel that way, so they chose not to express it. Instead, they covered it with the lie of happiness when the reality was that they were miserable.
A person who does not have a true sense of self is difficult to be around. But with perseverance, patience, and prayer, you can help them move from a false sense of self to solidifying their identity in Christ, knowing who they are, and being comfortable in their skin. San Diego Christian Counseling can provide valuable guidance and support in this process, helping individuals grow in their faith and understanding of their true identity.
“Rearview Mirror”, Courtesy of Cara Beth Buie, Unsplash.com, CC0 License
The abuse of gaslighting isn’t as out in the open as physical or verbal abuse. It is often subtle and unrecognizable as abuse. The result of the abuse leads to the gaslighter being in control of the relationship.
Most of the damage caused by gaslighters is emotional. They want to create negative emotional responses to feel in control while their victim feels insecure and off-balance. The gaslighter does not validate the feelings or thoughts of others.
Reality Questioning