When We Are Battling Ourselves: Overcoming Behavioral Avoidance

At times, I feel that I am my own worst enemy. I know that I need to tackle a deadline, force myself to start a new health habit, give my brain a rest from social media, start a difficult conversation, or deliver painful news to a loved one. Yet it sometimes seems that the momentum to get started is unachievable.

Like a child frozen in fear at the top of the high diving board at my childhood summer camp, I struggle to move into action – even actions that I strongly desire! (Yes, this was a real experience. And yes, I eventually climbed back down the ladder to safety on the ground, forcing the five kids on the steps below to likewise have to climb down to allow my passing.) More on that, later.

This is a common human experience, and one that psychologists refer to as “behavioral avoidance.” Just as the term implies, it means avoiding doing a behavior. It can refer to physical actions or mental or emotional ones, such as contemplating a painful decision or allowing ourselves to feel grief. We can be caught by surprise that such a simple term can represent such epic internal struggles.

Possible Contexts for Behavioral Avoidance

Avoidance behaviors can take place across multiple situations or be narrowly focused. Clinical Psychologist Matthew McKay has summarized key behavioral avoidance contexts as:

Situational avoiding external places, people, or activities that trigger anxiety.

Cognitive refusing to think about uncomfortable feelings or distressing topics.

Protective actions in one’s physical environment designed to make one feel safer: rituals, checking, carrying talismans.

Somatic steering clear of situations that elicit physical sensations resembling anxiety (racing heart, shortness of breath, tingling), often because those sensations are themselves feared.

Substitution replacing a threatening activity with something less threatening, but ultimately still avoidant.

What’s wrong with a little (or a lot) of avoidance?

If patterns of avoidance are causing you distress or limiting your functioning, interfering with relationships or your ability to do your work, or leading you to miss out on life experiences that are important to you, you may decide that the costs are too great. Even after this decision, it can be hard to break avoidance patterns because they come with a built-in reinforcer.

When you avoid a feared situation, person, or activity, you likely feel an immediate sense of relief and decreased anxiety. That feels great, compared to being mired in upsetting thoughts, physical stress, and emotional turmoil. Even though the longer-term consequences can be quite negative, that brief reprieve from fear and anxiety rewards avoidant behavior, making it hard to stop the pattern.

Unfortunately, continued behavioral avoidance has many pitfalls. We can start to identify with the avoidance pattern, allowing it to define us. I might think of myself as “someone afraid to try new things,” for example.

Avoidance also blocks us from experiencing the very results that would disprove our irrational fears. If I always avoid speaking to new people at social gatherings, I will never learn that I am capable of carrying on a conversation – and even might be good at it!

Further, the range of avoided experiences can expand. Over time, I might become afraid to attend social gatherings at all. Importantly, underlying fears and beliefs, however inaccurate, will not be challenged through real-life experience. This allows even irrational, unfounded fears to deepen, rather than being subjected to real-life tests of their validity.

These are all reasons why overcoming avoidance involves (eventually) engaging in the dreaded activities, for individuals who choose to face them. That is the goal, after all. The key to success is reassuring, though! Whether on your own or with an experienced therapist, success requires (eventually) doing previously avoided behaviors in small, manageable doses.

This is preceded by doing important foundational work, likely including preparation by learning strong coping skills (such as anxiety management strategies and skills to correct thought distortions) and establishing ways to track progress and reward yourself for actively engaging in target actions. In this way, you can start to regain control over your actions in gradual, feasible steps.

How to Overcome Behavioral Avoidance

Let’s unpack some basics of human thinking and behavior to better understand how to overcome behavioral avoidance and actively engage in steps that we have committed to take. At a basic level and in the absence of traumatic or dysfunctional experiences that may disrupt our healthy instincts, human beings are hardwired to do things that support survival, physical health, comfort, and well-being.

Motivated by these rewards, many of us are strongly inclined to set self-improvement goals or even to commit to difficult actions that carry high-priority benefits (preserving a relationship, meeting a spiritual or ethical need, or maintaining physical functioning, for example).

At other times, the perceived benefits of our most noble goals may be overshadowed by perceived costs or risks. The problem arises when our assessment of costs or risks is unrealistic. Due to a misperceived level of threat, we may develop a pattern of avoiding actions that could greatly enrich our lives.

For example, if I suffer from social anxiety, I might vastly exaggerate the likelihood and severity of a negative outcome from attending my neighbor’s party. I might experience physical symptoms such as a racing heartbeat, quickened breathing, and queasiness as I repeatedly imagine saying something outlandishly offensive and being verbally attacked by others in attendance.

Suddenly, my estimation of the benefits is eclipsed by runaway fears and the physical discomforts (knotted stomach, shortness of breath) that accompany them. Avoiding this potential threat by sitting at home watching TV in my private living room becomes a compelling response. It is also an avoidant response.

To be clear, avoiding actual dangers is a crucial survival skill. Behavioral avoidance becomes a problem when it limits our ability to engage in meaningful activities due to false or unrealistic fears.

So how do we assess our situation realistically and get ourselves moving if we choose to act?

It starts with our thinking

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) approaches are an excellent help. Clinicians who use this model help clients to examine the interrelationships between thoughts (cognitions), behaviors, and emotions/moods. The skills they teach are intuitive for most and can be independently applied. To address our thoughts, we must attempt to objectively evaluate whether our thinking is realistic.

Since we are immersed in strong feelings, which cannot provide evidence about rationality, it is helpful to take an external perspective. Sometimes we can get feedback from trusted others. We can also train ourselves to take on the role of an objective observer of our own thoughts.

Like a reporter collecting information for a story, we can try to examine “just the facts” of what thoughts are going through our minds. We then weigh them through the lens of how rational and realistic they are. Often these will be distortions of reality, out of sync with the actual situation.

Once we are aware of our thoughts, CBT models provide strategies to correct thinking to make it more accurate. Decades ago, the founder of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, psychiatrist Aaron Beck, described many types of thought distortions and ways they contribute to negative mood states, such as depression.

One of his students, David Burns, wrote a phenomenally successful book that described types of thought distortions in detail and practical methods to dispute our own distortions. His 1980 book, Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, has become a pivotal resource for therapists and clients.² It has sold over five million copies and is still widely recommended today.

A 2020 update entitled Feeling Great: The Revolutionary New Treatment for Depression and Anxiety adds helpful new strategies for correcting faulty thinking. I endorse reading the book for all clients who seek insights into increasing constructive thinking to improve their mood and better control their thinking.

As these books explain, not all types of thought distortions contribute to behavioral avoidance. Many can lead to other types of negative moods or faulty conclusions. However, some types of distorted thinking are especially conducive to avoidance.

The following is a summary of three types of thinking errors that can promote behavioral avoidance, as well as steps to correct them. The goal is to achieve more constructive, realistic thinking. This, in turn, provides us with more freedom to choose to take desired actions, including those we have previously avoided.

Next step: Action, in manageable doses

If your behavioral avoidance patterns are not seriously limiting your functioning and well-being, and you seek a self-guided approach, you may want to consider workbooks such as those listed in the references. The 2020 Burns resource may be of particular interest and has been well reviewed.

If you deal with a variety of anxiety-related concerns and are receptive to mindfulness-enhancing approaches, I highly recommend the Mindfulness & Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety by John Forsyth and George Eifert. If you have the interest, working one-on-one with a skilled therapist can help you to define a tailored treatment plan and reach your goals safely, with individualized support.

In conclusion, most of us would define success with avoidant behaviors as eventually being able to engage in those desired behaviors. As a ten-year-old at summer camp, I felt frustrated and embarrassed by my inability to jump off that high diving board, especially because I was a solid swimmer, not afraid of drowning.

Moreover, the other kids seemed to have fun doing it! Fortunately for me, I had witnessed other fearful kids refuse to take that plunge, only to later dive off that board. I decided to outsmart myself. I knew that I would not chicken out if I climbed to the top of that ladder at a busy time, with a long line of campers behind me.

With butterflies in my stomach, I gambled that I would face my fear rather than scrambling back down in front of a large crowd. After many deep breaths and a promise to a friend, I lined up for the deep dive on a busy day. Way too quickly, I did indeed find myself at the top, looking down at the pool.

Since extended contemplation had not helped me take the plunge the first time, I had planned to take a run off the board just as soon as the prior kid was clear. Somehow, I managed to do it. After that first successful jump, I, too, couldn’t get enough; it was thrilling!

I can’t say that I have faced every behavioral avoidance situation in my life as efficiently, but it has helped me to recall the time I took a reasonable risk and was grateful that I had. Perhaps you, too, can remember such a victory in your earlier experiences. Think of it often. That same person is part of you today. Coupled with consistent effort and a wise plan, you may again succeed with the new goals you set.

When to Seek Help for Behavioral Avoidance

Seek professional help if behavioral avoidance impairs your daily life. Red flags include avoidance, depriving a person of experiences they would otherwise enjoy, or rendering them unable to engage in required activities.

I will add that anxiety-related clinical disorders such as diagnosed Avoidant Personality Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, panic attacks, phobias, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorders often cause levels of impairment and distress requiring psychotherapy and/or psychiatric treatment.

Professional therapy may also be profoundly helpful to anyone experiencing emotional distress over avoidant patterns and wanting to improve their psychological adaptability and/or striving to more freely engage in activities aligned with key personal values.

As a Christian counselor with over 30 years of clinical experience helping clients with anxiety, depression, and a wide range of psychological goals, I welcome clients in the North San Diego County area to reach out to me for a consultation.