Helicopter Moms and the Anxiety Loop

To the onlooker, a helicopter mom seems devoted, attentive, and deeply invested in her child’s well-being. Every quick rescue and even every reminder to “be careful” comes from a place of love. A helicopter mom might have wonderful intentions, devoting her life to her children because of the fierce and protective love she feels. That’s the way mothering should be, right?

The Bible even says that a friend is someone who will lay down their life for their friend (John 15:13). And if that’s God’s idea of true friendship, shouldn’t it be more so for parents? The Bible goes even deeper regarding parental love.

Biblical love for children requires guiding them with wisdom, compassion, and discipline while modeling God’s truth through your daily living example. Loving your children well, selflessly, and wholly is the will of God.

Yet, even the most loving intentions can sometimes go too far. When a parent’s protective love goes beyond healthy boundaries, it can be detrimental to the child. Love, vigilance, control, and devotion can turn into what has become popularly known as “helicopter parenting.”

Being a Helicopter Mom

While dads can step over the line of devotion to control, too, helicopter moms get all the publicity. Why? Because society expects mothers to be the primary caregivers. Their involvement is more visible, their worry more scrutinized, and their efforts more intensely judged because statistically, moms are the parent who are most involved in the daily operation of childcare.

Helicopter moms might also create an environment where dads can be more relaxed. If mom is being “overprotective”, then dad doesn’t have to. In fact, dads can then become the “chill” or “cool” parent because they know Mom is carefully monitoring their children.

Unfortunately, “chill” dads often push moms who are prone to hovering to become more vigilant because they feel the full weight of responsibility to protect and guide the children.

How did this happen?

Being a helicopter mom isn’t usually toxic from the start. It usually starts off with appropriate vigilance and devotion, and is often reinforced with compliments of superior parenting. “You’re such a devoted mom” is a nice compliment to hear when you’ve been up all night with a crying baby.

When your baby is born, it’s natural, healthy even, to devote the majority of your time to that new little life. They are helpless without assistance, and most moms revel in the honor of motherhood. Even the late-night feedings and dirty diapers can be thought of as undercover blessings when you see those innocent and dependent eyes staring back at you.

As children grow, their needs change, and the level of assistance they need also changes. But it’s sometimes difficult to relinquish the full control over their lives that you have had since their birth.

It might feel that as you let go, you’re also “slacking off” on your job as protector and guide. Your intentions to guide and protect may be entirely pure, selfless even, but the result might not be what you intended or healthy for your child.

Are you a helicopter mom?

You might not hear the “thwop, thwop, thwop” of the blades circling overhead, but you might have your suspicions. Maybe someone has even accused you of being one, or you’ve been labeled with similar adjectives like “overprotective” or have been told that you’re “too involved.” If you have, you’ve probably been offended and passionately defended yourself, explaining that you’re a good mom or that you just love your children.

It’s natural to defend yourself; after all, you love your children, and that’s a good thing. But sometimes actions that you are labeling as love are fueled not by devotion, but fear. The unfortunate byproduct is not necessarily protected children, but children who develop anxiety and lack independence.

The more a mother hovers, the more anxious both she and her child become. Children then begin to rely on constant guidance, doubting their own abilities to handle life’s challenges. Parents’ anxiety grows each time they feel the need to intervene, worrying that if they let go, even this one time, it might end in disaster.

Anxiety Transfer

What starts innocently as appropriate and normal devotion slowly becomes a feedback loop where parents’ worry triggers the child’s dependence, and the child’s dependence reinforces the parents’ worry. This loop is what psychologists call the anxiety transfer. The irony of it all is that in trying to protect their children from harm or failure, helicopter moms may inadvertently fuel the anxiety that they’re trying to prevent.

The effects of anxiety can actually shape a child’s view of the world, and more alarmingly, they can shape a child’s view of themselves. Children who grow up in an environment where constant oversight is the norm may internalize the belief that making mistakes is equal to failure.

Why? Because they aren’t allowed to fail. Mom steps in whenever she sees that her child is struggling instead of letting them experience failure. This lets the child know, even inadvertently, that mom doesn’t want them to fail.

This is a more dangerous message than failure itself because not only is failure impossible to avoid, it’s also a good learning tool. Failure teaches your children more about themselves. They learn their strengths and their weaknesses. They learn self-soothing and how to get back up when they’ve been knocked down. Intervening can take those valuable lessons away from them and replace them with self-doubt and fear.

Breaking the Loops

Even if your kids are grown, or maybe especially if they are, it’s important to break the cycle. If you’ve come to the realization that you’re a helicopter mom, that’s the first step in breaking the anxiety loop.

Recognizing that you might be hovering more closely out of fear rather than love allows you to pause and make intentional, healthy choices, not reactionary ones. Afraid of change? Well, the goal isn’t to stop loving your children, but to love them in healthy ways that help them grow, rather than holding them back or creating more anxiety.

Once you’ve realized that you might be a helicopter mom, it’s time to learn how to put more trust in God. Proverbs 3:5-6 reminds us to “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding” (NIV). While this might be difficult to do if you’re in the habit of controlling your child’s life, it should come as a relief. God is not only inviting you to give your child to Him, but He’s also demanding it.

This relinquishment should bring you peace because you are no longer entirely responsible for every part of your child’s life. God can and will guide both you and your child through challenges in a way that you cannot do alone. How? Prayer and meditating on the Scriptures can calm your heart, redirect your fear, and give you insights as to how you should be parenting your child.

Therapy can also help you break helicopter tendencies. Speaking with a counselor can help you identify specific patterns of worry and dig to the root of your insecurities. They can also help you learn strategies for managing these worries.

They can help you recognize the difference between protective love and overbearing fear and build emotional tools for letting go in healthy ways. And these important skills will do more than just benefit you as a parent. They will also benefit your children as they witness patience, self-awareness, and strategic decision-making skills unfold in real life.

Bye-Bye Guilt

And bye-bye sole responsibility. You’re one person, not God. And while your intentions to control your children come from a place of love, they also come from a place of fear. Your fear of your children failing or your fear of them making a wrong choice may well be rooted in your own anxiety.

That’s where faith comes in. God loves your children, even more than you do, hard as that is to believe. And He wants them to learn to be strong, independent warriors for Christ, not adults who still live in their parents’ shadows. So, if you’re a helicopter mom, realize that your love for your children won’t go away when you let go. In fact, the act of “letting go and letting God” is in itself a selfless act of love.

To learn more and to make an appointment with a Christian therapist to learn how to break the anxiety loop, contact our office today.