Signs of Abandonment Issues and How to Cope Well

All of us have or will encounter a loss of some kind in our lifetime. Writers in the past used to describe our world as a “vale of tears,” meaning that it is a place of much weeping, with sorrow and loss marking our days in various ways. These losses are hard to bear, and we can eventually come to accept them; however, loss can be overwhelming for some and ultimately develop into a fear of abandonment.

Fear of Abandonment, and Abandonment Issues

A fear of abandonment is a form of anxiety wherein a person pervasively and irrationally worries that they will lose someone that they love and care for; more specifically, that the person they love and care for will inevitably leave, desert, or reject them. If you are struggling with fear of abandonment, seeking support from professionals such as San Diego Christian Counseling may help you address and manage these feelings.

The relationships we care about, and which make our lives worthwhile all, indeed, come to an end at some point in our lives. Sometimes people move away, and we slowly lose touch. Breakups and divorce are painful losses, a loved one may pass away, thus denying us any further chance of spending time with them again in this life. The fear of abandonment will often rear its head at vulnerable moments in a relationship.

The term “abandonment issues” does not describe a diagnosable mental health condition, but it describes the overwhelming fear that a person has that they will lose a loved one and the relationship they have with them. These abandonment issues can affect how a person operates in their relationships, sometimes becoming the cause of why the relationship breaks down and is lost.

Signs of Abandonment Issues

When a person is afraid of losing loved ones, that fear can manifest in several different ways. Some of the signs of abandonment issues include the following:

Feeling insecure

Constant uncertainty or insecurity about the state of your relationship, regardless of what’s happening in it, could indicate abandonment issues.

Control

The need to be controlled by your partner or feel the need to control them.

People pleasing

Giving too much in your relationships or being overly eager to please others to prevent them from being upset and possibly leaving you.

Distrust

Distrusting your partner’s intentions toward you, especially when there’s no discernible or identifiable cause for such distrust.

Self-sabotage

Acting in destructive ways to get yourself out of relationships, like pushing a loved one away or cheating to hurt them.

Pattern of unhealthy relationships

Cycling through relationships that are unsatisfactory, shallow, and unhealthy could also point to abandonment issues. If you stay in unhealthy relationships despite the desire to leave, that could also point to abandonment issues.

Needing frequent reassurance

People who are afraid of being left behind or put aside will often find they need constant reassurance that the other person loves them and will always be there for them. They need emotional guarantees and push loved ones to make statements of their commitment over and over.

Abandonment issues can show up in these and other ways. When abandonment issues are present, they can affect you and your relationships, profoundly impacting your well-being and the overall health of those relationships.

Fear of Abandonment and Its Effects

Loss is a fact of life on this side of Eden. Fear and anxiety can have us living in the shadow of a tomorrow that may never come to pass, or a tomorrow that we can endure because we face it with the grace and strength that our heavenly Father gives us.

Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own – Matthew 6:34, NIV

Fear of abandonment is caused by different life experiences and affects us in numerous ways. Fear of abandonment may be caused by realities such as neglect and abuse that introduce deep anxiety about one’s well-being. Experiencing instability from inconsistent parents or caregivers, whether intentional or otherwise, can also lead to deep-set anxieties and fears of abandonment.

When a person has a fear of abandonment, it can lead to them always trying to please others and cater to their needs, even if it becomes detrimental to their own well-being. Giving too much of yourself and not having clear boundaries can affect your mental, emotional, and physical health. If you worry that your friends or partners will leave you, it could make you constantly be on the lookout for signs.

If you’re afraid of being abandoned by loved ones, you might demand constant reassurance from them that they love you, which could become taxing for them. Additionally, if you are afraid of being alone, you might end up staying in unhealthy relationships that damage you physically, mentally, or emotionally. Fear can become your worst enemy as you invest yourself deeper in a toxic relationship you shouldn’t be in.

When you have anxieties about your relationships with someone, you may act in ways that cause problems. You could see issues where there are none because fear can alter your perceptions of reality. Fear can also lead you toward unproductive ways of communicating. You could resort to making accusations, or harmful attention-seeking behavior to retain your love. This behavior could inadvertently and ultimately drive a partner away.

In other words, a fear of abandonment can make a person behave irrationally, and they may end up undermining the relationship and causing the end they feared. Instead of enjoying the relationship and all it has to offer, the attention and emphasis is on what could go wrong, which diminishes the enjoyment and quality of the relationship and the interactions within it.

Coping with Abandonment Issues

If you have had life experiences that resulted in abandonment issues, it isn’t the last chapter of your story. You can find new ways of relating to others and yourself, and you can learn to keep your fears in check. There is a Scripture which says:

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us – 1 John 4:18-19, NIV

The Holy Spirit can work in you to help overcome the spirit of fear by giving you “power, love, and self-discipline” (2 Timothy 1:7, NIV). You can overcome the wounds of your past and learn to endure the daily challenges that will come as you go through that process of renewal.

Part of the process of overcoming abandonment issues includes learning to understand and manage your own emotions. You can develop the ability to notice when any anxious, self-critical, or irrational thoughts arise in your heart and mind. Be kind to yourself and be willing to face and counter these thoughts with what is in fact, true. Choose to give grace and withhold judgment until you know more about a given situation.

You can also take steps to practice self-care so that you’re better able to regulate your own emotions. Getting good sleep, eating a healthy diet consistently, hydrating well, reducing stress by taking breaks, and regularly exercising are all ways to practice self-care that make a difference in your well-being.

You can also attempt activities that help build your sense of confidence, like a sport, hobby, or new skill. Ultimately, self-care involves resting in God’s love and properly stewarding your mind, body, and soul as God’s temple; as it is within you that the Spirit dwells (1 Corinthians 3:16).

Another way to heal from abandonment issues is to nurture a healthy support system that consists of loved ones. These are people who know you and love you, who can keep you accountable and remind you of who you are, and to take care of yourself.

Lastly, Christian counseling in San Diego can help you heal from abandonment issues. Through counseling in San Diego, you’ll have the opportunity to explore your fears, tracing out their root causes as well as the ways those fears manifest in thought and behavior patterns. San Diego Christian Counseling can help you by providing you with new, healthy ways of thinking about yourself and your relationships.

Your counselor in San Diego can also help you establish healthy boundaries in your relationships for your well-being and the flourishing of your relationships. The relationship you have with your counselor can also help you experience a secure relationship, and you can take those lessons into other relationships.

If you see the signs of abandonment issues in your life, don’t hesitate to reach out to a Christian counselor in San Diego for help in overcoming them. The therapists at San Diego Christian Counseling are experienced professionals who can help you in this process. Contact our office today to learn more.