Love Is Not All You Need: Creating Healthy Relationships

There’s a song by The Beatles with a chorus that goes,

All you need is love.
All you need is love.
All you need is love, love.
Love is all you need.

In many ways, the song touches upon a profound truth, that love is key and, indeed, is the sum of what we need. It’s almost too easy to agree that The Beatles were right because instinctively we feel that this thing called love is the antidote to our many problems and that if love were to replace greed, hate, bias, complacency, and apathy, the world would be a better place.

It’s also easy to agree with The Beatles because a lot of moral teaching emphasizes love as the cardinal virtue. After all, the apostle Paul said, in those verses that get read at many a wedding, “And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing” (1 Corinthians 13:2, ESV).

Additionally, Jesus said this – ‘And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets”‘(Matthew 22:37-40, ESV). Surely then, love is all we need, and The Beatles were right.

Understanding love better.

One of the problems with words is that they can carry multiple meanings. Take the word “soon”. It implies that something is going to happen in a relatively short amount of time, but if you have an assortment of people in your life that use this word, you’ll realize that each person probably uses that word to mean something different. You just have to learn from the context and from who’s saying it to understand what “soon” means.

When it comes to love, we all use that word just about every day, but it’s not certain that we mean the same thing when we use it. We use that same word “love” to talk about players on our favorite sports teams, or a taco joint we’re recommending to friends, to talk about our children and friends, but also to refer to the outfit or shoes someone is rocking. We don’t mean the same thing, but we’re using the same word.

So, when The Beatles croon, “All you need is love”, it’s important to ask a follow-up question – what do you mean by love? Our relationships do run, and they run well on love, but what do we mean when we talk about love? When the Lord spoke about loving God and loving our neighbor, what He meant is to be found throughout the Bible. Chiefly, Jesus demonstrated to us what love is in how He loved the Father perfectly, and how He died for sinners (Romans 5:8).

Additionally, when Paul talks about love in 1 Corinthians 13, he goes on to list the various qualities that love possesses – “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8, ESV).

The late pastor and author Tim Keller once said that love is a verb, an action word. To love someone means to commit to moving toward them and to work for their good. Love acts for the sake of others, and it acts in specific ways.

Love – true love – is all you need in healthy relationships.

To have healthy relationships, you need love at the center. However, it’s important to understand what that love looks like, and more importantly what that love does in healthy relationships. If love is simply a warm but powerful feeling you have about and toward someone, then love isn’t enough to sustain an ongoing relationship with another person, whether it is a platonic or romantic relationship.

Whether you’re starting a relationship or are already in the thick of it, the key to healthy relationships is love, but not love as our culture today defines it. The feelings of warmth toward another person aren’t enough to sustain a relationship because those feelings can come and go, especially when they hurt us or fail to meet our expectations. Rather, loving someone is an act of the will that pulls your emotions along with it to a particular purpose.

When you commit to the well-being and good of another person, you put yourself on a path of growth and learning. For one thing, if you love someone, you’ll grow to understand the areas in which they need patience or kindness, as well as what they experience as rudeness. In other words, in a relationship, love grows and becomes wiser so that it’s more effective. Some of the things that a committed and wise love can do to promote a healthy relationship include:

Creating space for connection and intimacy

In every relationship, there are things that build a sense of connection. It might be a hobby or other shared interest, or simply spending time talking and getting to know one another. It takes time, effort, and intention to carve out space for connection and intimacy, and there will be obstacles such as fatigue, schedules and busyness that get in the way.

Build trust and safety

For two people to get to the place where they trust each other requires that they have shared interactions and experiences that let them conclude that they are reliable and safe. It’s only in the context of trust and safety that people can share themselves and be vulnerable. Again, it takes time and consistent contact to demonstrate trustworthiness and build safety.

Nurture mutual respect

Respecting the other person includes understanding who they are and honoring their boundaries, for instance. It also requires listening to them, their ideas, and concerns, even (or especially) when you don’t agree with them.

Respecting them means recognizing the dignity they possess as a being made in God’s image. That respect is something you can accord them, but more importantly, you should ask the question whether they feel respected and valued.

Foster appreciation

The words “Thank you” go a long way in a relationship. Showing the other person that you see what they are doing for you, and that you appreciate it helps the relationship immensely. It can help to uproot resentment. It’s important to put in the necessary work to appreciate each other and to serve each other mutually, as relationships ought to be a healthy give-and-take.

Taking accountability

We all mess up, and love doesn’t rejoice at wrongdoing. Loving someone means being willing to correct them when they do wrong, and loving someone means being willing to take accountability when you mess up and are confronted by it. Many relationships falter because of defensiveness and the unwillingness to acknowledge wrongdoing and make necessary changes.

Managing conflict

Another aspect of loving another person is being willing to work at repairing the damage done to the relationship, as well as managing conflict graciously. Instead of letting anger take the lead, be willing to listen more and talk less (James 1:19-21). Being able to listen is especially important because you learn why they’re hurt and how to repair things.

Vulnerability

Being vulnerable is about being willing to be who you are and expressing your true thoughts and opinions. It’s risky because there is always the chance of being rejected or ridiculed. Being vulnerable requires the relationship to feel safe; safe enough for both of you to be honest about your thoughts and feelings.

These are some things that a relationship requires to function well. Love, if it is a sacrificial, serving, active, vulnerable, honest, and intentional commitment to the good of the other, can carry you through. It isn’t always easy to think and act in this way, and there may be habits that need to be unlearned.

If you’re finding healthy relationships challenging, you can reach out to a counselor at our location who can help you journey toward nurturing these qualities and relationship skills. Call us today.