Identifying Emotionally Abusive Relationships

Being in healthy relationships is a solid indicator of a person’s overall well-being. We are deeply social beings, and when our relationships are healthy, that bodes well for other areas of life. With the support we receive from our social networks, going through difficult times or surviving emotionally abusive relationships is made easier, and that’s why having people around you who care for you in times of struggle makes a world of difference.

As deeply relational beings, having unhealthy relationships will often have a huge negative impact on well-being. The ability to identify and address emotional abuse in relationships can make the difference between not only having healthy relationships, but life and death as well.

Emotional abuse explored

People have their differences, and all relationships have conflicts and difficult patches. However, there is a difference between healthy and unhealthy forms of conflict and relational friction.

Healthy conflict can lead to improved communication and deeper awareness of one another’s needs and how best to meet them, thus strengthening the relationship. Disagreements don’t necessarily result in rifts, and conflict doesn’t have to turn abusive.

Emotional abuse is also referred to as mental or psychological abuse, and it is not the same thing as typical and healthy conflict. Emotional abuse is never okay, and it consists of a pattern of bullying behaviors and abusive words directed at another person. These will often affect the other person by wearing down their sense of self and self-esteem, ultimately undermining their mental, emotional, and physical health.

Emotional abuse often involves manipulation and attempts at controlling another person through criticism, humiliation, shaming, or blaming. It can occur in all kinds of relationships, and not just in romantic relationships.

Often, emotional abuse will have emotional, mental, and physical consequences, such as feelings of worthlessness, fear and helplessness, anxiety, depression, developing trust issues, and health problems like skin conditions or ulcers.

Additionally, the person going through emotional abuse may find themselves feeling small, becoming overly submissive or defensive, struggling with their sleep, as well as with concentrating and making decisions. Destructive or anti-social behaviors, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts or attempts may also follow in the wake of experiencing emotional abuse.

These significant effects of emotional abuse are why it ought to be taken seriously, and why knowing the signs of it matters.

Some signs of emotionally abusive relationships

Emotional abuse can leave some invisible, but no less real, scars. It should not be minimized or taken lightly. Often, abusive behavior is interspersed with acts of warmth and kindness, which has the effect of slowly desensitizing one to the behavior and normalizing it. Emotional abuse in relationships can be subtle, and the signs of emotional abuse often go unrecognized.

Some common signs of emotional abuse to look out for include:

Not getting emotional support

Emotional abuse can look like being left to handle emotional and other hardships alone.

Being exposed to constant criticism

Words matter, and being habitually belittled, shamed, or humiliated, whether publicly or in private, is emotionally abusive.

Being gaslit or manipulated

To be gaslit is to be made to question your own sanity, memory, judgment, or perception of reality.

Your hurt being minimized or denied

Another sign of emotional abuse is when the abuser downplays or denies their hurtful behavior toward you, and they don’t acknowledge the pain they are causing you.

Being controlled

Control and manipulation can look like having what you do, who you see, what you think, and what opinions to hold, dictated to you.

Being emotionally blackmailed

Manipulation can also include being threatened with punishment of some kind or rejection if you don’t comply with certain demands. The other person may even threaten to harm themselves if you don’t do or say what they want.

Being threatened and intimidated

Being made to face the prospect of physical harm or abandonment unless you comply is another sign of emotional abuse. The harm threatened may be to themselves, to you, to your children, or the family pet.

Your boundaries are being disregarded

Emotional abuse may also be present when your physical and emotional space is disrespected, and your boundaries disregarded. You might be coerced into doing something you’re not comfortable doing.

Experiencing blame-shifting

Instead of owning their actions, the abuser shifts the blame onto you.

Experiencing emotional withdrawal

To manipulate you, punish you, or silence you, the abuser might give you the silent treatment, or be emotionally unavailable.

Emotional abuse can take these and other forms, and it can be just as damaging as physical abuse. Don’t minimize what you’re feeling and experiencing. One of the effects of emotional abuse is self-doubt and not trusting your judgment, so if you’re experiencing these things, or suspect that you are, seek help and support from trusted friends, family, or a mental health professional such as a counselor or psychologist.

You can also reach out and make use of resources such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233), the National Emotional Abuse Hotline (1-800-969-4323), or the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV). Emotional abuse often is a precursor to physical violence and addressing it sooner than later could make a huge difference.

Healing and restoration from emotionally abusive relationships

Emotionally abusive relationships can cause serious harm to a person. They shouldn’t be taken lightly, and the way to address emotional abuse may include exiting the relationship, as well as directly addressing the abusive behaviors where there’s room and it’s safe to do so.

The relationships we find ourselves in can be hard to walk away from, even when they have issues like emotional abuse. It’s not surprising for people in abusive relationships to experience some confusion because of the good memories and experiences that they’ve had in that relationship. It’s hard to break the cycle of abuse, especially as that cycle can condition you to believe what the abuser is saying, and to not trust your own instincts.

It may be hard to leave a relationship in those situations where you are dependent on the abuser for resources such as housing, work, financial or other forms of support. Floating the idea of leaving might be faced with a response of threats, and it can also seem safer to simply remain in an unhealthy situation.

These realities make it important to have a support network of family, friends, a doctor, or a mental health professional. The damage to one’s self-esteem can make it hard to stand alone and to assert what you know to be true and right. It can be hard to stand your ground and speak up for yourself to assert your boundaries clearly and without aggression. Loved ones can help you as you regain your voice.

The other aspect of why support, especially professional support, can be so helpful is that someone like a counselor or therapist can help you learn to identify and assert your boundaries. That might include reminding the abuser that you see things differently than they do, and that’s okay, or that they should not address you in a certain way, like with a raised voice, for example.

Through counseling, you can rediscover your value and the value of your own voice, being reminded of how you are made in God’s image, and so of infinite value. You can ground your self-esteem in what God tells you about yourself so that His voice resonates much deeper and more clearly than even your own or that of the abuser. This is necessary because there will often be self-doubt and pushback from the abuser once you start standing up for yourself.

Healing from emotional abuse will require courage and consistency. In some cases, you’ll need to end conversations and walk away when things escalate, become unproductive, or deeply upsetting. It may be necessary to exit not only the room or the conversation, but the relationship itself, especially if the abuser doesn’t change or things deteriorate further.

The journey toward healing from emotionally abusive relationships can be a long and difficult process, so allow yourself the time, space, and compassion to regain your sense of self. You don’t deserve to be mistreated, but you do deserve love, consideration, and respect. With help from loved ones and a professional like a counselor or therapist, you can rebuild healthy relationships or make new connections that allow you to flourish.

If you need the assistance of a counselor or therapist in San Diego, California to navigate emotionally abusive relationships, please call us at San Diego Christian Counseling today.