How to Deal With Anger Issues Affecting Your Relationships

Richard and Amy have found themselves at an impasse. Whenever they argue, whether it’s about finances, or about doing the chores around the house, they find themselves in the same pattern. Richard tries to keep calm but eventually finds himself raising his voice at Amy. For her part, Amy withdraws, and she stops talking to Richard altogether, all the while feeling frustrated with Richard, the situation, and herself. Neither one of them knows how to deal with anger.

Despite their different approaches to the situation, both Richard and Amy struggle with anger. Anger can manifest in various ways, but if it’s handled poorly, it can undermine the health of a relationship. Uncontrolled anger can make it hard for people to be vulnerable with each other, as it makes the space feel unsafe. This is one reason among others why it’s important to bring anger under control and to learn to express it well.

Anger Isn’t the Problem – Appreciating Difficult Emotions

It is easy to look at a situation like Richard and Amy’s and conclude that the problem is the presence of anger. If only they would stop being angry, that would resolve the situation. However, the problem isn’t anger; rather, it’s how they are dealing with their anger that’s the issue.

Anger is a natural emotion, one that is decidedly powerful, and so in need of careful handling. Anger itself is helpful because just like the other emotions, it helps to alert you about what’s going on inside you, and it can help you know when a boundary has been crossed. For instance, if someone insults you, takes advantage of you, or threatens you in some way, your anger is how your body and mind process that fact.

The issue comes when one takes those feelings of anger and then goes on to express them in unhealthy ways. Richard expresses his anger through shouting, a poor coping mechanism, and an unhealthy way to deal with the tension and stress that results from conflict. When he shouts, that aggressive gesture can shut down the conversation and make it feel unsafe for Amy to keep talking and making her point.

Similarly, Amy also struggles with handling anger well. Instead of expressing herself assertively and clearly, she deals with her anger by withdrawing and keeping silent. This is a more passive-aggressive way of dealing with anger, and it is just as unhealthy as more overt acts of aggression. Giving the silent treatment is also a poor coping mechanism, as it doesn’t communicate effectively what’s happening and what you’re feeling.

The emotions that we typically find difficult, such as anger, sadness, shame, or guilt, have a place in our lives. They are how we process our experiences, and they serve as guides for our actions in the world. The issue isn’t the emotions themselves, but it’s what triggers them and what we do with them when we experience them. Anger can be expressed in a healthy way that doesn’t undermine a relationship.

Sources and Signs of Anger Issues

There are many reasons why a person might have anger issues. One reason is that they never learned how to handle their anger well. In some families, expressing emotions outwardly is frowned upon, and so there is little opportunity to understand these emotions and learn how to express them in a way that honors others and gets your point across. Thus, family dynamics can be a huge contributor to the inability to express anger well.

Some people may also have a low tolerance for frustration; they get angered more easily and more intensely than other people. Without the tools to cope, they struggle to take things in stride or to just brush off minor things and move on. This low tolerance for frustration may be rooted in one’s genetics or physiology. Being easily angered and irritable can also be a symptom of depression and other health conditions.

Some of the signs that you have anger issues include the following:

Your anger is at the root of relationship distress

When you look back at your current relationships, anger is often at the root of the distress in those relationships. You may have said or done things in anger that ended the relationship, or that caused pain to loved ones.

You are angry often

We all get angry, and we all know the sensations that typically accompany that feeling. If you realize that you are feeling angry often, and anger is the emotion that typically dominates your life, that could be a strong sign of having anger issues. That anger might be the quiet, seething kind, or the sharp explosive kind, but if it dominates your life, that’s a problem.

Your anger hurts others

If your anger is leading you to be physically or verbally abusive, and if you’re doing or saying things that you regret to your loved ones or strangers alike, that’s also a sign of anger issues.

Your anger is out of control

As you evaluate your life, you may feel like your anger is out of control. Instead of controlling your anger and expressing it the way you want to, it feels like your anger has gotten the better of you, and you say and do things without thinking and under the influence of anger. That too is a sign of anger issues.

You’re in trouble with the law

You may have caused harm to another person, and that led to getting in trouble with the law. Perhaps you’ve been mandated to have anger management counseling as part of the process of rehabilitation, and that’s also a sign of having anger issues.

You’re afraid of your anger

Sometimes a person steers clear of feeling angry because they are afraid of what they might say or do in anger. Anger is an emotion that is part of who you are, and it’s unhealthy to deny or shy away from parts of who you are. It’s better by far to be able to embrace your feelings of anger and learn to express them appropriately.

Dealing Effectively with Anger Issues

Anger issues can affect a relationship in so many ways, whether the anger is the quieter, passive-aggressive sort, or the loud and explosive kind. Unhealthy and uncontrolled anger can undermine clear communication. Instead of allowing you to express your needs clearly and in a way that doesn’t harm others, uncontrolled anger can muddy the issues while causing harm. It helps to be able to express your anger in the right way.

Not only does uncontrolled anger affect relationships, but it also affects one’s mental and physical health. When anger is directed outwardly or inwardly in an unhealthy way, it can result in high blood pressure, increased stress, feelings of guilt, and more besides.

Dealing with anger issues effectively requires implementing various strategies that help you prior to a situation arising, but also during and after an episode ofc anger, as well. As a first response, it’s important to speak with a doctor or other health professional to get to the bottom of any anger issues. Anger issues may be the result of another underlying physical or mental health condition, and it helps to know what one is dealing with.

Other strategies that can be implemented to help deal with anger issues include the following:

Using relaxation techniques

Whether you’re using deep breathing, visualization, or relaxing and calming imagery, you can relax and cool down a hot temper in various situations. Sometimes you simply need to change the environment or call a timeout during a heated discussion so that you can relax.

Develop your communication

Anger is often triggered by making erroneous assumptions or jumping to conclusions. Learning to slow down and think about your words helps, as does being willing to slow down and listen first before reaching a conclusion. Being a better listener helps you to discern what lies beneath the other person’s words, and it helps you craft a more appropriate response.

Change how you think

Anger often leads us down the path of the irrational. Stop and think about what you’re saying, consider if it’s true, and be willing to challenge the thoughts that pop into your head and that express themselves through words like “always”, or “never.” Be aware of your own expectations in a situation and ask yourself if these are reasonable and communicated clearly before you say your piece.

Humor

Humor, especially if it is genuine and not sarcastic, can help to diffuse a tense situation. Being able to laugh at yourself and see how ridiculous you can be is something that can help you be more measured in your responses toward others. Anger is often fueled by a sense of entitlement, and when you examine and surface that, sometimes laughing and learning not to take yourself too seriously is helpful.

Counseling

Seeing a counselor with training in anger management can help you bring anger under control. Your counselor will teach you techniques to cope better with anger, and they will help you understand your triggers. They may also help you understand why you respond in anger the way you do, and they will walk with you to change your thinking and behavior.

You can reach out to our offices and speak with a counselor to get help bringing your anger under control. Call us today.