Embracing the Art of Self-reflection to Make Your Relationship Healthier

The technique of self-reflection is a crucial skill that anyone who wants to have a successful and healthy relationship should master. If you have been wondering why your relationship has started souring or why you keep experiencing breakups, then it may be time to master this art. San Diego Christian Counseling can provide the guidance you need to develop this essential skill.

If you’ve had a relationship that ended, you probably took time to do a post-mortem examination of all the things your partner did that hurt you. For those of us still in a struggling relationship, I bet you can easily make a detailed list of all the nasty things your partner has ever said or done verbatim.

Think of how many people you have approached to tell your side of the story; after all, you’re a good person who just seems to pick the wrong type of partner all the time. While it may all be true that your partner has committed uncountable offenses against you, how is listing all your partner’s faults working for you?

Have you stopped to think about why you’re always stuck in bad relationships?

We rarely take the time to reflect on the real problem; instead, we only think of the fight and the part the other person played in causing it. Honestly, all of us are guilty of being selectively blind to our own mistakes, the extent to which we hurt others, or even our self-sabotaging tendencies.

When it comes to relationships, the truth is that you can be your own enemy. If you have never actively taken stock of your role in the breakdown of any of your relationships, then maybe it is time for a little self-reflection.

Is self-reflection simply thinking about yourself?

Theoretically speaking, self-examination is not just mulling over one or two general incidents in your life; it involves delving deeper into your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in a tactical manner.

Self-reflection is the ability to witness and evaluate our own cognitive, emotional, and behavioral processes. In psychology, other terms used for this self-observation include reflective awareness and reflective consciousness’, which originate from the work of William James. – Wikipedia

When this type of strategic soul searching is applied to couples therapy, it typically involves each partner acknowledging responsibility for their own emotions and actions and reflecting on how this contributes to both positive and negative things in the relationship.

This requires a level of deep, and often painful, honesty that will not be easy but is an important step toward growth, healing, and happiness.

You can choose to apply the tactics of self-reflection many times and for various aspects of your life, such as academic, professional, social, or financial. The basic approach will generally be the same and only depend on the goal you wish to reach.

Self-Reflection Questions You Need to Ask About Your Relationship

If your aim is to evaluate and recalibrate your relationship approach, then you will want to start by focusing on some basic questions to get you started.

This involves taking stock of all the negatives and positives about the relationship too, such as:

• What did I enjoy, and what did I not?
• What did I gain, and what did I lose?
• What did I contribute?
• Examples of when I made mistakes and how I made them right?
• Examples of when my partner made mistakes and how I reacted to them?
• Examples of selfless things I did
• Examples of selfless things my partner did, and what was my reaction?
• What was my role in the relationship ending?
• What was my partner’s role in the relationship ending, and how did I directly react to it?

This list could go on and have as many questions as it applies to your situation. It is important, though, to note how you should phrase your questions regarding the other person in the relationship. If you noticed on the list above, all questions about the other person are personalized to make the answer reflect on yourself rather than your partner.

While it may seem as if removing the other person from the equation absolves them of the things they also did, you have to remind yourself that this process is about understanding your feelings and identifying personal toxic behaviors.

Questioning yourself will put the following into perspective:

• Your beliefs and whether you truly believe what you say you believe.
• Your goals and whether you are pursuing what makes you happy.
• Your emotional patterns, which can help you understand why you react the way you do to situations.

Once you start to look inward, you realize that far too often, you don’t take time to think about why you behave the way you do. Think back to a time when you lashed out at your partner in anger or frustration but then later realized that you might have overreacted. Often such knee-jerk reactions indicate that our reaction has more to do with us than the other party in any altercation.

The key lies in unpacking not just the past but also the present because most likely you have continued to repeat the same self-destructive actions and will do so until you experience a conscious turning point.

By taking the time to reflect on yourself, you start to know yourself on a deeper level, which in turn makes it easier for you to be your authentic self and define what you want in a relationship.

Believe it or not, coming to terms with your inner self, warts and all, can be freeing and teach you how to love yourself again. We may try hard to show love and compassion for others, but we forget that our first relationship is with ourselves.

Self-reflection leads to self-love, which spills over into all other aspects of your life, making for stronger personal connections and relationship satisfaction.

Benefits of Self-Reflection in a Relationship

Confidence

When you’re open and honest with yourself about yourself, it’s like removing the blinkers off a horse because self-reflection is steeped in bettering yourself from the inside out, which helps improve your confidence.

Contentedness

When you’re uncertain of who you are and what you want, you find yourself being insecure, constantly living in fear of your partner leaving you, and always second-guessing yourself and your partner. Practicing self-reflection can give your self-esteem a healthy boost and help you to love others better and receive love better.

Practical Techniques for Developing Self-Reflection Habits

As you embark on your journey of deeper self-awareness, you need to be aware that developing effective self-reflection habits requires practice and intention. Integrate this into your daily routines as a consistent practice through dedicated reflection time or by incorporating it into existing activities.

There are different techniques and exercises you can apply to cultivate self-reflection as a regular habit, such as:

• Journaling: Make a habit of writing down your thoughts, emotions, and observations about your communication experiences, especially within your relationship.
• Meditation: Consider meditating and doing deep breathing exercises to create a peaceful environment that encourages self-reflection by bringing your attention to the present.

Self-assessment tools

Make use of assessment tools, apps, or questionnaires that provide structured guidance for exploring your communication strengths and areas that need improvement.

Practicing mindful self-reflection techniques is the foundation for greater self-awareness and can help you delve deep into your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Through self-reflection, we can identify our communication patterns, both positive and negative, and gain valuable insights into our strengths and areas for improvement.

If you’re reading this article and have realized that you need professional help to become better at self-reflection, contact us today at San Diego Christian Counseling in California.