Adult Child Resentment: My Child Hates Me

It isn’t uncommon for children raised in a neglectful home to become resentful as they become adults. Children who lack connection with their parents often feel distant from their parents. This results in a relationship that is strained and uncomfortable. Adult child resentment is not much different than any other type of resentment. It stems from the emotional reaction to the perception of being mistreated or wronged by another person.

And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you for your offenses. – Mark 11:25, NASB

Causes of Adult Child Resentment

Multiple events can cause a child to grow up with resentment toward the parents. Family dynamics play a big role in adult-child resentment.

Physical or emotional abuse

The trauma of being abused can result in lingering effects on a person’s mental health and emotional well-being. Some adult children choose to distance themselves to heal.

Being neglected or abandoned

A lack of love, support, and care can have a detrimental effect on children that can follow them into adulthood. It can cause feelings of unworthiness and insecurity. A feeling of neglect can also stem from the parent dismissing the child rather than engaging and connecting in a way that encourages the child.

Lack of emotional support

Emotional support is important for everyone. When a child feels as though their problems are not worthy of discussion they can feel alone in their struggles. This lack of support can cause the child to disconnect with the parent creating a gap that isn’t easily bridged.

Constant ridicule, criticism, or judgment

Mistakes are inevitable. When parents fail to encourage the learning from the mistake the child tends to feel as if they cannot ever be good enough. Being consistently ridiculed can tear down a child’s self-esteem. This can result in a desire to distance themselves from the harmful words.

Unrealistic expectations

We all want our children to be the best they can be in everything they do. It is the unrealistic expectations that can create resentment in adult children. When expectations exceed the possibilities, the child will likely distance themselves from the pressure.

Dysfunctional family dynamics

Some families have a history of dysfunction, conflict, and toxicity. This can be exhausting mentally and emotionally. As the child reaches adulthood, they may feel that staying away from the negative environment is best for their well-being.

Feelings of being a burden

A child should never feel as though they are a burden. A child who requires extra emotional or financial support may be consumed with feelings of shame. Some children may distance themselves because they want to remove this burden from the lives of their parents.

Boundaries are disrespected

Adult children will establish boundaries as they pursue education, career, and family interests. If parents constantly disregard these boundaries the child may distance themselves to maintain authority over their lifestyles.

Keeping their children protected

Adult children who have issues with the family dynamics they were raised with may choose to keep their child(ren) from experiencing those same negative situations.

Childhood conflicts

There are times when issues from childhood are left unresolved. These can grow into resentment as a child awaits the acknowledgment of the situation and an apology.

Change in values and beliefs

When children begin to embark on a life based on their hopes, dreams, and interests, they will develop a different set of values and beliefs. Some of these differences can create an uncompromising situation which leads to distancing.

Betrayal and broken trust

Trust is the foundation of all relationships. A child who feels betrayed becomes brokenhearted. Betrayal can come in the form of revealing personal conversations while broken trust can stem from seeing an unfaithful parent. Either of these situations can push the adult child to sever ties.

Feelings of being controlled

Children are supposed to grow up and live a life based on their choices. Some parents may try to be a part of the decisions the adult child makes. This can create a sense of feeling suffocated and lead to distancing.

Mental health issues or addiction

When a parent struggles with mental health issues or addiction it will create an unstable home environment. Most of the time this will cause trauma and lead the adult child to the choice of becoming distant to protect themselves.

Repeated disappointments

Broken promises and failure to be present lead to continued disappointment. As a child grows the rift of these missed opportunities can create a resentment that can be difficult to overcome.

Signs That Your Adult Child Has Resentment

Children need parents who are present. They want to spend all the time they can with the ones they turn to when they hurt. Sometimes things happen and the dynamic changes resulting in adult-child resentment. Identifying the signs of resentment can help to restore the relationship. Here are some questions that can help you determine if your adult child is harboring resentment.

• Do they get annoyed when you need something? Even though a child loves their parent, resentment may make it difficult to help in caretaking.
• Do they focus on an old conflict? Focusing on a past conflict usually indicates that there is an unresolved issue that is causing painful emotions.
• Do they avoid spending time with you? This is one of the most common indications that the child is struggling with something that causes them to remain distant.
• Do they strive to be different from you? Adult child resentment can harbor a strong desire to be opposite from the character traits and values of the family.
• Do they respect your decisions for yourself? Most adult children who struggle with resentment may ridicule the choices of their parents and even cause them humiliation.
• Do they refuse to listen to childhood stories? Because adult child resentment stems from a situation from childhood, most adult children will refrain from engaging in conversations about their childhood.
• Do they seem to be suspicious when you speak to them? An adult child who harbors resentment will automatically be suspicious of what is being said if it is against what they believe.

Bridging the Gap

Choosing to resolve the issue that caused the resentment requires a parent to be intentional about listening and acknowledging. There are biblical strategies that can help a family heal from resentment.

Begin with prayer

The first step to bridging the gap is to take time to pray. Seeking God’s help in grace and forgiveness can help everyone understand the situation and choose forgiveness.

Examine the cause of the resentment

This step includes self-reflection to get to the root of the resentment whether you are the parent or the adult child.

Remember to remember that sin is not the person

People are loved by God even if they hurt others. We have to consider that their actions may result from their being subjected to the same type of pain.

Pray for those who hurt you or those who hold resentment against you

As the parent and child seek to bridge the gap, it will take intentional prayer time to create a sense of openness to healing.

Show them grace whether you are the parent or the child

Being kind and offering up grace can create a change in the dynamic of the relationship. With this change comes healing.

Continue the process

Releasing resentment and accepting responsibility for your part is not a one-time act. It takes persistence in the process.

Next Steps

Adult child resentment is a result of childhood experiences that have caused trauma or emotional pain. There are many reasons an adult will choose to distance themselves from their parents.

If you would like to get a better understanding of adult child resentment, connect with a Christian counselor in San Diego. Your counselor can help you begin biblical healing and restore the relationship. Contact us today at San Diego Christian Counseling to schedule an appointment.