Parenting Tips for the Frustrated Parent

Unlike adults who are usually able to communicate what they feel, young children often react differently especially when they wish to express their negative feelings. Instead of talking in a calm manner, they may instead pout, argue or even fight. Rather than saying “I’m hungry” or “This is bothering me,” they yell or throw a tantrum instead.

It can really be frustrating to be at home hoping for a quiet evening, yet the kids are constantly misbehaving, quarreling with each other, or answering back at you in an inappropriate way. As a parent, you may be wondering why the children cannot follow simple commands or why they intentionally seem to be ignoring your rules. San Diego Christian Counseling offers support and guidance to help address these challenges.

While it may seem natural to blame the kids for their hard-headedness, sometimes it is the incorrect or inconsistent way that we have communicated the do’s and don’ts which is causing them to behave the way they do. Fortunately, this can be changed.

Helpful, Therapeutic Parenting Tips

When dealing with children (and even adults!), there are three very important things to remember: unconditional positive regard, faith in the person’s potential to change, and empathy. If these are not factored in there will be a lot of difficulty in creating positive change.

When interacting with their children, parents must convey unconditional positive regard. What this means is that parents must be able to listen to the positive and negative experiences of the children without branding them as “good” or “bad”.

If this can be done, then the children will feel safe when sharing their feelings and experiences. If not, the kids may hold back from telling the entire truth, preventing change from occurring.

Next, parents must remember that their children have the potential to change while they are still young and there is still time to transform. If parents remember this, there will be less pressure on parents to “make the kids understand and learn now.”

Remembering this potential to change will also encourage a positive partnership with the children so that they may grow and transform at the proper pace. Without this, parents will really feel the stress of not having well-behaved kids and this, in turn, will affect them as there will be a sense of disappointment emanating from the parents.

Lastly, parents need to empathize with their kids and NOT ignore their feelings. If children feel that importance is given to what they are going through, they will feel valued and seen. Without this, they may feel unloved and may harbor resentment towards their parents.

The Proper Way to Set Limits for the Kids

The method to follow is from the ACT model of Garry Landreth, a leading specialist in play therapy. The three parts of this model are: Acknowledge the child’s feelings, Communicate the limit, and Target the alternatives. Here, however, there is an additional final step for Consequences.

1. Acknowledge the child’s feelings

Here you reflect to your son or daughter what you believe they are feeling or thinking to create a connection with them. Do this by attuning yourself to your child’s words, body language and facial expressions. If done properly, your child will feel that you really understand what they are going through. This also connects their emotions to their actions or behavior which is a crucial step to change.

For example:

• “I know you are angry at your dad and me. You want to throw your toys at us.”
• “I know you are mad about not finishing your TV show. You want to turn off the TV now.”

2. Communicate the limit

But though their feelings have been acknowledged, it is important that they know they cannot cross a certain boundary. The parents are not telling their child it is not okay to be angry or upset. Instead, they are saying that despite the negative feelings, they are not allowed to behave in the wrong manner.

For example:

• … “But you cannot just throw toys at people, especially your mom and dad.”
• … “But you cannot just turn the TV off if mom and dad are watching something.”

3. Target Alternatives

Once the harmful behavior has been stated, an alternative must be given to redirect the child’s anger or frustration. The child’s desire to lash out is a natural feeling, even for adults, but the child must learn that the feeling must and can be expressed in a responsible way.

For example:

• … “You can hit your pillow instead.”
• … “You can yell in your room instead.”

While choices are part of the method, setting limits is more than just that. At an early age, if the child knows that there are choices available, the child will begin to differentiate between acting on impulse and opting for proper behavior. This allows them to control their actions in the future.

Additionally, when the child is able to learn the differences, there is less burden on the parents to always control their child’s behavior in social situations. The parent is essentially thinking and communicating that their child has the potential to understand and change their behavior, provided the parents are patient and consistent in what is taught and what is expected.

4. The Consequences

A final step involves consequences as most children may not always follow right away. Should the child choose to cross the boundary despite the acknowledged feelings, the communicated limit, and a provided alternative; then a consequence may be given.

For example:

• … “Since you chose to throw your toys, you cannot play with them this afternoon.”
• … “Since you turned off the TV, you will not be allowed to watch cartoons after dinner.”

Though it may seem awkward at first, as time goes by, this method of communicating the appropriate behavior and resulting consequences will become more natural, especially when the parent sees the effects on their child’s behavior.

Many parents have used this method on their kids and have seen amazing results. Working with the counselors at San Diego Christian Counseling can enhance these outcomes.  Not only does it allow children to face and overcome difficult emotions and behaviors, it also allows parents to view their children in a more positive light, knowing that their children can change.