The Importance of Being Gracious with Yourself While Grieving

You might have heard that there are five stages to grief, but that makes grief sound compartmentalized, as something that can eventually be conquered. The truth is that losing someone you love is like an asteroid crashing into your planet. It sends your world careening out of orbit and changes everything that once felt familiar.

It might take years or even decades to adjust to life without your loved one. The best way of coping with grief is to be gracious with yourself. Some people struggle with the concept of self-kindness, but it is one of the most important ways of finding your feet again after loss.

A New Reality

Three of the most stressful things a person can face are dealing with the end of a significant relationship, experiencing a long-term illness, and falling upon hard times financially. Each one of these experiences changes your world for good, but none comes close to the dreadful experience of losing a loved one.

Life carries on around you even though for you, life feels like it could never be the same. You must still go to work, still be a parent if you have dependent children, and still make space for friends and other loved ones around you. It can feel harsh, overwhelming, and incredibly lonely.

At the core of grief is the need to adjust to a new reality. Your world will forever be different because your loved one is no longer physically in it. You are aware of the emptiness and gap they left behind.

You might have to let go of some rhythms and routines or develop new ones. You must show up for yourself in grief, though you might not feel as if you have the energy or ability to do so. The best way to adjust to this harsh new reality is to be exceedingly gracious with yourself.

Oil in my Lamp

There is an old Sunday school song that goes, “Give me oil in my lamp, keep me burning. Keep me burning ‘til the break of day.” This is a perfect picture of someone who is grieving. The imagery is of a rugged clay lamp holding a small amount of fuel that keeps a little flame alight through the dark hours. Many people feel as if their flame has gone out in grief because their fuel has run dry. Emotional exhaustion is a common part of every person’s grieving process.

At first, people and friends are there for you. They cook you meals and stick by you, offering you strength and patience. Eventually, though, everyone moves on. You remain in grief, though, and it lasts far longer than you could have imagined. You begin to wonder if things will ever feel the same again. You are in a dark night of the soul, with only a small flame to keep you company, and even that needs fuel to burn on.

Be patient with yourself. You are not getting anything wrong. This process is not a test; you can’t fail it. You need time to adjust, space to be honest with yourself, and a lot of kindness to heal your wounds. You are probably experiencing wild emotional swings, or you might be worried that you feel absolutely nothing. Both are normal aspects of grief, and both are hard to deal with. Each day is a new chance for you to be gracious with yourself in practical ways.

Be Gracious with Yourself While Grieving

Grace and kindness are wonderful words, but what do they look like? How do you do them? How do you show yourself grace and kindness, especially in grief? There are several small but important ways you can be gracious with yourself in grief.

Develop gentleness in your routines

At some point, you will have to resume your schedule with all of the chaos and mundanity that life offers. Try taking things slowly, easily, and gently. Take your time with your schedule. If you are behind with deadlines and tasks, that’s fine.

There will always be more deadlines and tasks in the future, regardless of how many you manage to complete now. Make allowances for yourself as you continue with your routine, just as you would with a child learning to do something for the first time.

Embrace slowness

Prioritize slowness, softness, and ease. You might have never been able to slow down before, but now you have little choice. There is no pressure to “move on.” Yes, you still have responsibilities, but you will find everything easier to cope with if you give yourself plenty of time. It is a gift to be alive and be able to do things.

Enjoy quiet moments

Sometimes it is noise that chokes out that little flame burning in your lamp. Noise can be literal, in the sense of decibels in an environment, or it can be figurative in the form of thoughts and emotions that run wild within you. Regardless of personality type, everyone needs peace and quiet occasionally. Look for those quiet moments to counter the noisy ones.

Find comfort in simple things

The birds still sing; nature still grows in its seasons. Sunlight still pools on the carpet, warming the house. There is so much beauty and meaning in the small details of life. Taking the time to notice and enjoy them is a special kind of healing for a tired, hurting soul.

Allow yourself to live in the here and now

Sure, you have to make plans and think about the future, but the only thing you can truly be in control of is what you are doing in the present moment. If you have been feeling out of control in your grief, the best way to change that is to focus on living in the moment. Think of what you need to get through the next few hours.

Pay attention to how you speak to yourself

You might not be in the habit of talking to yourself, but imagine what you would say to yourself if you had to. Would you be encouraging? Would you be kind? Being gracious with yourself means avoiding self-criticism. No one can prepare you to face grief, just as you can’t know how long it will take for life to feel “normal” again, if it ever will. Be your own encouragement because you are probably doing your best.

Be realistic with your limits

Your ‘best’ will look different every day. Today, you might feel able to go to the gym, eat healthily, and complete some chores. Tomorrow, you might not feel up to leaving the house or doing much more than taking a shower. You are facing one of the most difficult chapters of your life, and it’s demanding a lot from you. You are not lazy, flaky, unreliable, or beyond hope, regardless of how you might feel.

Guard your boundaries

Learn to say “no.” You might have to say it to well-meaning friends when you have no energy for socializing, or to bosses who expect you to go above and beyond your duties right now. Whenever you use the word, you create a boundary that protects your energy and peace of mind.

Burning ‘til the Break of Day

Grief forces you to adjust to a new reality that feels lonely, empty, and dark. No one knows how it will affect you or what to do in the midst of it. The best you can do is to be gracious with yourself. Slow down. Accept help from others. Don’t overextend yourself and don’t feel bad for struggling. There will eventually be a new day, even if it feels far off now. You are doing incredibly well just to have made it this far.

You may find you need to talk to a counselor, even if you don’t know what you will share. That’s where counselors come in handy. Getting counseling as you navigate grief is a great way to help yourself, whether for a short time or long-term. If you would like to begin meeting with a counselor, contact our offices today, and we can connect you with someone who will help.