9 Tips for Communicating with Teens in San Diego

Parenting teens can be difficult for several reasons, but mostly because our desires as parents often conflict with the desires of our teens. We know that our precious child will soon leave the nest, and that thought might leave us craving closeness and intimacy with them.

Meanwhile, they are fast becoming adults. They might enjoy their personal space and newly acquired levels of independence, while eagerly looking forward to moving out. Communicating with teens is all about understanding them and meeting them where they are. It can be helpful to seek guidance from professionals, such as San Diego Christian Counseling, to enhance communication and foster a deeper connection during these transformative years.

Teens tend naturally to be secretive and value privacy. Some of this is because they are making choices and testing boundaries. They know that you wouldn’t approve of all of their choices, but they are finding their feet as an individual. They might be enjoying not having to answer or give an account for everything they are doing.

As a parent, it is only natural that we have a fair amount of anxiety over what our teens do, but there are a few communication errors we can make at this point. Ideally, we want to respect our teen’s independence and need for space, while being intentional about staying connected to them. We need to let them know that we are always there for them.

Nine Tips for Communicating with Teens

Talk while doing an activity

This is a simple hack, but if you can engage your teen in conversation while doing something together, whether it is a chore or a fun activity, it will make the conversation feel like less of an interrogation.

It’s important to engage with your teen over an activity that they prefer, be it hiking outdoors, attending a sports match together, or practicing some self-care together. When you meet a teen on their turf, the chances are their guards will be down and conversation will feel effortless.

Likewise, doing household chores together communicates to your teen that you are not above doing tasks, and are not using chores as a means of punishment. Doing a spring cleaning, yardwork, or household fixes gives value to them, provides an opportunity for conversation, and places the two of you on the same level as you work toward a common goal.

Be curious but not nosey

When teens sense an interrogatory tone in a conversation, they may sense danger, and their fight or flight mode might engage. They could try to safeguard their privacy, or they might be genuinely afraid of being caught in some questionable choices. Either way, as a parent we must be soft, gentle, and non-judgmental in our approach.

Rather than trying to elicit specific details about their life, we must practice asking questions that feel neutral. “Did you have fun last night?” sounds so much less intimidating as a conversation opener than, “Where were you last night?” Remember that you can glean information from a conversation where they volunteer information, rather than a ten-minute long interrogation session.

Practice neutral reactions

One of the main reasons teens withhold important information from their parents is because they are afraid of their parent’s reaction. When a teen says they don’t want you to “freak out,” what they are saying is, “Please treat this news with respect and don’t judge me.”

Teens often crave an emotionally anchoring space where no information is too wild, bizarre, or hard to swallow. Practice seeing your teen as older or more mature than they are. Refrain from judgmental or threatening statements in response to the things they share, even if the information is about one of their friends.

Ask open-ended questions

A simple way of avoiding a judgmental or interrogatory tone is to use open-ended questions. “What are your plans for your future?” sounds a lot less intimidating when phrased as “How are you feeling about the next couple of years?”

Closed-ended questions might elicit the required information, but they are conversational dead-ends. Open-ended questions are broader, softer, and provide space for thoughtful responses. Avoid questions that start with who, where, and why, and instead think of questions that will elicit feelings and long-form responses from your teen.

Ask before giving advice or feedback

Although they might genuinely need advice, many teens will shut down when they sense a lecture coming. There are times when a parent needs to bring correction or call out a bad attitude, but this should not be the norm in communicating with teens.

Giving respect to a teen will gain you respect as a parent. Before diving in with your opinion or advice, ask if you can share it. Doing so will more likely ensure that you will be heard, and your point of view will be valued.

Show that you care

There is a common saying that holds especially for teens: People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care. Our teens might be standoffish, private, and emotionally guarded, but they still need to know that you genuinely care for them. They need to know you care for them not because you want to control or shape them, but simply because you love and deeply value them as an individual.

Be open and share your feelings

Much of a teen’s time is spent in trying to regulate and adjust their relationships with friends, significant others, and family. During this time, they might pull away from us or blow hot and cold in their affection. This can make for a damaged, awkward, or strained bond with them.

Regardless of the distance or unpredictability, we need to remain unguarded and emotionally available to our teens. This is as important for fathers as it is for mothers. When teens see that we still care and have feelings for them, they are far more likely to lean into intimacy with us.

Be mindful of distractions

One simple and common thing that affects our communication with our teens is distractions. Our lives are full of them: relentless phone notifications, reminders, tasks with deadlines, and many other normal adult pressures. Nothing tanks a deep one-on-one conversation with our teens like a phone lighting up with a notification (and yes that goes both ways – a teen’s phone is rarely three seconds away from lighting up).

If it is appropriate, plan for a quality catch-up with your teen with the caveat that phones will be in “Do Not Disturb” mode. This gives value to both of you and shows that an hour spent face-to-face is valuable. Try and meet somewhere intimate with minimal distractions. If you can make a monthly date out of it, you will have won.

Be mindful of your teen’s mood and headspace before initiating a conversation

Much of the time we attempt to connect with our teens at just the wrong time. Trying to initiate a conversation after school when they are tired or stressed is not a good idea. Give time for your teen to relax, unwind, and be in a more talkative space before you try and talk to them. This will also show that you value them; you are giving them time and space before you connect.

Christian Counseling for Parents and Teens in San Diego

Communicating with teens might require us, as parents, to learn a few new skills. We might need to change the way we ask questions or wait until they are ready to talk. Underlying each of the best ways to communicate with teens, though, is one simple rule: communicate with them in a way that conveys respect for them as near-adults.

You might see them as your precious baby well into their middle age, but teens want to be valued, respected, and understood. Parenting is difficult because our role is constantly changing, but if we want to stay connected to our teens, we must start seeing them as the adults they are becoming.

Parenting teens in San Diego is difficult. If you would like to meet with a counselor in San Diego, California for support, we can help connect you with one. There are options for parent and teen counseling in San Diego that might be valuable to you, or you may simply wish to speak with someone who hears and understands.

Contact us today at San Diego Christian Counseling in California and we will get you started with a counselor trained in the issues of parenting teens.