How to Increase Intimacy in Marriage

Are you looking for a way to affair-proof your marriage? Although you cannot control other people’s actions, you can do your part to increase intimacy in marriage.

Often people who cheat do so because they are looking for someone to meet a basic need. These basic needs are rooted in physical, emotional, or intellectual areas of intimacy. Also, if a spouse’s spiritual intimacy is not met, they may leave their current spouse searching for someone who shares the same beliefs.

Improving intimacy in marriage should be a priority. But how do you meet your partner’s needs as well as your own? San Diego Christian Counseling can provide insights and strategies to help couples understand each other’s emotional and physical needs, strengthening the bond in the relationship.

What is intimacy in marriage?

Intimacy in marriage is the fulfillment of physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual needs for both of you. It is part of the covenant between your spouse, you, and God. However, intimacy goes beyond the physical aspect of your relationship. Without intimacy, your marriage feels more like living with a roommate.

Marriage takes work to keep it strong. You must develop your relationship to see it go the distance in every area. Neglecting one area will cause problems in the relationship. For example, if you believe the physical and emotional intimacy in your marriage is fantastic, but you never sit down and have a conversation, then your spouse may think that you don’t care about their opinion.

Ways to Improve Intimacy in Marriage

You can improve the intimacy in your marriage by taking a good, long look at your relationship and talking to your spouse. Where do you feel unseen or unheard? How does your spouse feel? Don’t be offended by what your spouse says is an issue. You may think everything is fine in one area, but your spouse feels neglected.

Instead of arguing, legitimize your spouse’s feelings. If the issue is a touchy subject, consider requesting the advice of a counselor. A counselor works as a mediator to open communication channels.

The following are suggestions for improving intimacy in your marriage.

Physical Intimacy

Physical intimacy is more than just sex, although that is an important aspect of the relationship. Small gestures can signal intimacy between a couple. Have you ever made an inside joke and winked at your spouse or grazed a body part as you passed? An innocent gesture such as touching an arm, running your fingertips across their back, or holding their hand can build physical intimacy.

If your sex life has become stale, be open to trying new things. This will require that you discuss openly with your spouse what you want to try, what you are willing to experience, and what you do not feel comfortable doing. When it comes to sex, you should never feel pressured to do something you do not want to do. You can try many different things to improve physical intimacy in marriage.

Carve out quality time with your spouse. For example, you may need to hire a babysitter or ask the in-laws to watch the children one night a week. Or, put the kids to bed and then have your own date night at home. You could serve a late dinner and settle in to watch a much-loved television show or a new movie. You could create a playlist of both of your favorite songs and dance.

Get creative. Pretend that you are dating your spouse for the first time. What can you do that would sweep them off their feet?

Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy is the support we crave beyond the physical. It is noticing the little things about your spouse. Not the pet peeves but the small gestures or things they do for themselves and others. For example, does your spouse send get-well cards to sick people? Does he pitch in around the house? Does she have her own accomplishments?

Compliment your spouse on not only their physical appearance but their achievements. Point out the little things they do that no one else may notice. For example, maybe your household runs smoothly because your spouse ensures everyone has the necessary items. Perhaps she started a side hustle and is doing wonderfully. Bring attention to these things and make your spouse feel seen.

Support your spouse’s passions. Is there something they have always wanted to do? Let your spouse know that you are willing to stand beside them as they work toward fulfilling a dream. Your spouse should also support you as you work toward your vision.

Don’t be afraid to work toward a goal together. For example, maybe your goal as a couple over the next five years is to buy a farm, open a bookstore, or remodel the house. Break that goal down into actionable steps you both can take with little rewards along the way. Working together toward a goal brings you closer.

Intellectual Intimacy

Intellectual intimacy is feeling secure enough in the relationship to voice your opinion without judgment. Your spouse should feel heard. Neither of you should feel like you are walking on eggshells to avoid offending the other. You want both of you to be able to communicate differing opinions in a safe environment.

How often do you talk about shared interests and current events? Do you respect each other’s points of view? Even if you disagree, you should still be respectful of your spouse. Converse freely about your shared interests.

For example, maybe you both love fantasy books and movies, like The Lord of the Rings (LOTR) franchise. You could have many conversations about the story’s key points, collect movie merchandise, or run a LOTR marathon. Take your shared interests and use them to bond even more.

When was the last time you asked your spouse to teach you how to do something? Sometimes this is a difficult task, and ego can prevent us from asking for help. We need to weigh our egos against our desire to strengthen our marriages. Instead, use your spouse’s knowledge to bond. For example, ask your spouse to show you how to change the oil in the car, make lasagna, or use the tiller in the garden.

Spiritual Intimacy

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? – 2 Corinthians 6:14, NIV

Marriage between a Christian and a non-believer is not impossible, but the Bible does warn about Christians being unequally yoked. But the Bible also talks about staying married and being an example of Christ so that your spouse may come to believe in Jesus based on your example and faith.

Wives, in the same way, submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. – 1 Peter 3:1-2, NIV

If you share the same faith, try to express your beliefs together. For example, attend church and volunteer to serve. You may decide to serve as leaders for the youth group so that the two of you have a common goal.

Or offer to host a couples’ Bible study group in person or virtually. These volunteer opportunities allow you to bond and grow in spiritual intimacy. The Bible also views the husband as the spiritual head of the household, so be willing to lead in family prayer or devotions. If you are the wife, your husband may feel more comfortable with you taking over those responsibilities. Work together to reach a compromise.

Find a marriage counselor in San Diego

If you feel like your marriage is slipping away or that you have basic needs in an area that are not being met, but you aren’t sure how to broach the topic with your spouse, consider recruiting the help of a marriage counselor in San Diego, California. A counselor can assess where your marriage currently stands and offer techniques to increase intimacy in marriage.

Give us a call today at San Diego Christian Counseling to schedule a session with a Christian marriage counselor in San Diego.