What Does Codependent Behavior Look Like?

Codependency is depending on someone else to fulfill your happiness instead of finding happiness in yourself. It is part of a circular relationship in which one person needs the other person, who in turn needs to be needed, and it can occur in any type of relationship be it between romantic partners, family members, friends, or even boss/employee.

This leads to codependent behavior, a progressively unhealthy dynamic whereby you pour so much into meeting someone else’s needs that your own identity becomes contingent on theirs, and you lose your true sense of self. San Diego Christian Counseling can help you explore these patterns and support you in rediscovering a balanced and authentic sense of self.

This loss of self does not always happen right away. At first, you may enjoy the feeling of giving and being relied on, but as the relationship progresses and becomes more draining, and your gut tells you that you need to get out of it, you can’t bring yourself to do it because you feel the other person relies on you so much.

Difference between dependent and codependent relationships

All relationships require some amount of dependence on the other person, but in a healthy dependent relationship, there’s more of a give-and-take. Both people rely on each other for support and love, and can confidently express their emotions and needs in a way that makes their relationship mutually beneficial. In a healthy dependent relationship, you always feel like a person of value.

On the other hand, a co-dependent relationship is skewered, and there is an unhealthy imbalance of power. The co-dependent person doesn’t feel worthy of having his or her needs and desires met or heard.

Their self-worth is so tied to their need to be needed that they willingly sacrifice their own wants for those of the other person, and play the role of martyr in a one-sided, dysfunctional relationship where they live in constant fear of being judged, rejected, or abandoned.

Examples of codependent behavior

• Constantly checking in with the other person before making even minor decisions.
• Feeling anxious about the relationship.
• Being the one to apologize, even if you didn’t do anything wrong.
• Fear of being alone or abandoned.
• Low self-esteem and self-worth.
• Trouble identifying your feelings.
• Feeling sorry for the other person, even when they’ve done something to hurt you.
• An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the feelings and actions of others.
• Feeling drawn to needy people, and thinking you can fix or rescue them.
• Planning your life around pleasing the other person, and doing anything he or she wants, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable, just to hold on to the relationship.
• Valuing the approval of others more than valuing yourself.
• Needing to be liked to feel good about yourself.
• Having no interests outside the relationship.

Possible causes of codependent behavior

Damaging parental relationships. Growing up in a family where you were taught that your own needs were either less important than your parents’ needs, or perhaps not important at all. You may have been told you were selfish or greedy for thinking of yourself, and as a result, learned to ignore your own needs and think only of what you could do for others.

Being thrust into a caregiver role at an early age. Having to take care of a physically or mentally ill family member, or being made responsible to care for younger siblings at an early age, can lead to a habit of neglecting your own needs in favor of helping others, and cause you to find your self-worth through being needed by another person.

Things you can do to overcome codependent behavior

• Focus on self-awareness.
• Resist the impulse to criticize yourself.
• Try to find activities or hobbies you can enjoy outside of your codependent relationship.
• Spend time with friends or supportive family members.
• Stand up for yourself if someone unfairly criticizes you or undermines you.
• If you don’t want to do something, don’t be afraid to say no.
• Seek the help of a trained mental health professional. Counseling can help you unravel your co-dependent tendencies and rebuild your sense of self-worth.
• Look to God’s Word (the Bible) for guidance and strength.

What the Bible has to say about codependent behavior

The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe. – Proverbs 29:25

When you only feel worthy when you’re meeting someone else’s needs.

Before you indiscriminately sacrifice your own needs and wants for the other person, ask God to give you wisdom and guidance regarding your motives and whether or not they have a true need, or whether you are just acting out of a need to satisfy your own need to be needed (James 1:5; Proverbs 3:5-6).

When you consistently seek to please someone out of fear that they will end the relationship if you disappoint them, you could wind up agreeing to something dangerous. Someone who loves you would never put you in that position. God loves you and wants what’s best for you. Your identity and affirmation need to come from Him alone.

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. – Ephesians 2:10

When you need other people to like you to feel good about yourself.

Everyone likes to be liked, but Scripture warns against compromising your values to get other people to like you (Galatians 1:10). You are God’s masterpiece, created in His image to reflect His love and light. He demands to have first place in your heart.

Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.” – 1 Corinthians 15:33

When you stay in a bad relationship because you can’t live without the other person and are afraid they’ll leave you. Staying with someone who knows how to pull your strings and bully you into staying in a bad situation will eventually steal your peace and erode your character.

Stand firm on God’s Word that He did not create you with a spirit of fear, but rather one of power, love, and self-discipline, and know that you have what it takes to walk away from this destructive relationship (2 Timothy 1:7). Trust God to take care of your needs (Proverbs 3:5-6). Draw close to Him, and He will draw close to you (James 4:8). He will never leave you (Joshua 1:9).

A man of great wrath will pay the penalty, for if you deliver him, you will only have to do it again. – Proverbs 19:19

When you feel responsible for the other person and think you can fix or rescue him or her.

As you try harder and harder to make things right for the other person, your actions could be enabling them rather than helping them, and making things worse by keeping him or her from taking responsibility and facing the consequences of their actions.

God alone can rescue a person or motivate them to change. You only have the power to change yourself. Turn your focus inward to the person God created you to be. He gave you a unique identity and purpose that does not include trying to change others (Psalm 139:14-16). Let God be God, and entrust the other person to His care.

Christian counseling for codependency

Christian counseling involves a combination of Biblical principles and clinical intervention. If you are struggling with codependency and are having trouble handling the process on your own, please give us a call today. We would be happy to answer your questions and/or set up an appointment to discuss how San Diego Christian Counseling can help you manage the challenges you are facing and walk you through the healing process.